Gossip Girl
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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When Concubine Met Catamite

S lights candles somewhere and tells Nate not to worry, her incredibly stupid plan is going to rule: She has invited Damien for lunch, with her giant breasts as the entrée, and then by some inexplicable split-second timing, Nate and Jenny will walk in on his advances. SERENA PLAN! The dialogue is second only to that line of Rufus's a minute ago:

Nate: "This sounds absurd."
Serena: "Blair and Chuck do it all the time!"

God bless. So Nate thinks they should call Rufus, and S knows that won't work because getting grounded is the key to becoming a ho in reaction to being grounded, and she tells him 45 minutes on the dot just as Damien enters.

Meanwhile that other braintrust, the Humphrey Men, are discussing the sociology of how probably Jenny is just into forbidden vampires like Damien, and Rufus gets the third best line: "If he were a vampire, I could slip garlic in her waffles! Not that she'd eat them!" Dan laughs at his funny, cute dad, and Rufus tries to find out who Daniel's boning. He lies by truthing about how he's been sleeping over at Vanessa's all the time, and Rufus is like, "Tell the truth!" But Dan's too Dan-like, and then Vanessa walks in and Rufus jumps on her like a humping golden retriever about how much he needs his family with him while he faces the Jabberwocky of Jenny's sexuality, and Vanessa is totally family, like a sister to them, and Dan gets déjà vu about that, and Vanessa is of course blind to the awkwardness because if for one second she could see awkwardness she would be undone utterly.

Rufus runs off into another area of the one-room loft so that Vanessa can mack on Dan and be brutally rebuffed. Reason? Dan needs "guidelines." Jesus God, Daniel Humphrey. How bad is this going to get? Well, he's been drawing up a mental map of Zones where they can be Friends or Friends-Plus, all throughout the city. Like, in DUMBO, where Rufus "treats you like his own daughter, and we've prepared Thanksgiving dinner while watching The Sound Of Music," that's a no-mashing zone.

It's so weird because now that he's becoming the most Dan version of Dan, like, ever, it's turning adorable. Who knew the solution was to push Dan and Vanessa into their respective corners so hard they became glowing diamond-like versions of themselves. Vanessa does, at least, understand the DUMBO part of it, even though she's offended by the rest and especially Dan calling her "less family" and more of a "classmate."

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