Gossip Girl
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
When Concubine Met Catamite

I agree, the DUMBO Zone is the only part that does make sense, not least because she and Rufus have always been three centimeters from doing it anyway. But then similarly, Lily's house and the entire UES are Friends Only zones for some reason. But downtown, and at NYU, they can make out. "I'll draw you a map, that's what I'll do. It'll be much easier." Boot to the head. Boot to the head, come on! And she does, once he offers to discuss with her which zone the subway is, and she tells him he is now in a No Vanessa Zone. This last is especially retarded because in the meantime, Rufus has taken a call from Turncoat Nate, and thus needs to go back to the UES, which means this little meeting that took three seconds and only caused strife never needed to happen. But to his credit, Dan takes it on the chin and refuses to get scared at how pissy V just got.

Meanwhile, to Serena's consternation, Damien is not acting like a total creep. No matter how much she vamps and boobs around in front of him, he refuses to stop doing things like apologizing for mauling her at that event before. She's like, "It's your lucky day because I broke up with Nate and I am primed for some manhandling!" SERENA PLAN! But to no avail, because even launching herself face-first at his total nastiness does nothing. He retreats, promising that he's into Jenny and thus can't hook this up. Which is cool, because they didn't start dating until the ambassador's thing anyway. Damien takes off and S is bummed by the fucking up of her plan.

Meanwhile, Nate's ignoring the call from S to tell him the plan's off, because the plan was never on: He's waiting on Rufus, who shows up. But wait -- that means that he was never going to show up and save her from Damien if her plan went through? "Hopefully I won't get too bruised when Damien attacks me like he did before, but don't worry about me, I've got krav maga on my side." Dumb, dumb, dumb. So Jenny lies about how they've been sitting around this whole time and pretending to eat "two entire desserts" -- in celebration of her burgeoning womanhood, don't forget -- and finally Rufus shows up and Nate's like, "Well, here we go." GG just wants Rufus to slap her across the face, I think.

Okay, so the new rules are that Rufus will walk Jenny's ass to and from school, and she'll have a peer babysitter between classes -- sick! -- and will be eating lunch with the always ready-to-help Headmistress Queller. Jenny points out that all she did was ditch, which is not at all true. The GIANT BAG OF PILLS, it's awesome because I don't think Jenny will ever understand why that was a problem. They're just like this amazing accessory, like Agnes: You can wear 'em on your outfit, count them cutely with your boyfriend, just simply toss 'em on the floor and people instantly start paying attention to you... I kinda want a GIANT BAG OF PILLS for my very own. But just because Jenny's way more wrong doesn't Rufus is not at all wrong, so it's a long fight with a short ending: "You just jumped to conclusions, like you always do. You know, it's no wonder that you're marriage is going down the toilet." NICE. She stomps off somewhere and he, speak of the devil, finds the Symbolic Scarf. I must admit, I'm dying to see how he can turn this into a reason to yell at Lily. It'll be like his crowning achievement of Humphreyhood.

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Gossip Girl




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