Dan sits in his sister's bedroom, begging Rufus to say something instead of just transmitting his silent disappointment. Rufus gives him a speech about how he and Alison always knew Dan was "special" and that he has some kind of amazing destiny that they have always planned for him, but that this plan did not include having a baby. Dan agrees that this is quite a plot twist, but realizes right that second that he loves Serena. He does a good job of being seriously freaked out, but also self-absorbed in his own romance, and neither of them are very comforting to his father, who suggests maybe Dan should talk to Serena and find out if it's even true before he starts buying diapers and how-to books. Although it's Dan, so probably he would go to the obscure video store and purchase some kind of Danish parenting movie from the 1960s about nudist colonies or something. Dan's like, "Screw reality, did you hear my declaration of love? That's way cooler than actually responding rationally." Rufus nods, and gets very worried, because jumping off the deep end for no reason at all is kind of his MO.
In the courtyard at Constance, everybody's laughing and whispering as Serena walks by. "Yes, I'm pregnant, and it's yours!" Serena is so cool. Dan comes up and they get super-awkward for a while, and then just as Serena's about to explain that she's not pregnant, and sometimes gossip is not true, he's off! "No, wait, wait, wait. Me first. I'm sorry that you didn't feel that you could tell me, and no matter what you decide, I want you to know that I'm here for you. Because I love you." Serena's like, "Great, but I'm not pregnant. So you get points for being a good boyfriend or whatever, you are the moral compass by which we all captain our ships on the stupid ocean of life, whatever, thanks. You love me, that's adorable." Dan continues to wig out post-fake-partum, and she's like, "I need to go see Blair right now. I'm sure you'll still be shaking and stuttering on this exact spot when I get back?" He shakes and stutters and nods, and she gives him a harried little kiss and runs off. But mostly he's freaking out because he said "I love you," and she didn't say it back, so now he's going to get so totally annoying you won't even believe it.
At the Met steps, Jenny joins Blair, Kati/Iz, one of the blonde girls from the Blair Army, and a soldier we haven't seen before, named Hazel. Hazel is interesting in that if, for example, Blair and Chuck had a baby, it would look exactly like her. It is supremely freaky how much she looks like both of them at once. Blair points out that Jenny's late, and she protests that she had to drop some books off at the library. Which you might notice she spends most of the episode doing. I can barely believe that Jenny can read, but she sure does spend a lot of time carting books to the library. Maybe it's like a part-time job so that she can support her busy lifestyle of ass-kissing. In order to demonstrate her displeasure, and generally to enjoy being a bitch, and also because Blair does one weird and shitty thing to each person on the show in the first half of the episode so that they will turn on her halfway through, asks her to move down a few steps. My friend Wyatt noted that it's so totally high school that the social order would be signified by where you're sitting on the ground. That's so arbitrary and silly, I love it. Jenny casts her eyes around for some kind of help with this situation, but the rest of the army ignores her. Hazel sips her coffee and stares with her big creepy Chuck eyes. Jenny suggests that "this whole hazing thing is getting a bit old," which is kind of like asking for more hazing. I don't think I could avoid abusing Jenny Humphrey, if I were in Blair's situation, frankly. Blair points out that Jenny's in no position, and also tells her not to call her "B," because that's reserved for friends only, and Jenny is less a friend and more of a punching bag right now.