Jenny takes off after brief and weak protests from Hazel's giant face, and doesn't even stop to say hello to Serena. Blair laughs it off and explains that Jenny will be back. Serena stands there, staring at the Army who are staring at her, and finally gives an ironic jazz hand: "I'm not pregnant!" Kati and Iz are hilariously deadpan: "Cool." "Congratulations." Blonde girl suggests "celebratory drinks after school," and the free-radical bitch energy of all of this is truly astounding, it's great. Like it actually mattered if she was pregnant at any point during this scandal; it's enough that it was a false alarm, and it would have been enough if no part of it were true. Which is in fact the situation, we learn, as S pulls B away and attempts to make the case for reality.

"Did you get my text?" Blair's like, "Oh yeah, totally." So then, Serena pushes a little: "You know I told Dan I'm not pregnant." Blair smiles in a panicked way and gives her a supportive little wave about how happy she is for Serena. Serena sighs heavily, because so far in the championship of Reality v. Blair, reality has yet to even qualify. B protests at length that Serena's weird code-talking and inferences are falling on deaf and infertile ears. "Whenever something happens that's not a part of your plan, you pretend like it doesn't exist. You act like you're in this movie about your perfect life. Then I have to remind you the only one watching that movie is you." Serena, you've just described everyone that was ever in high school. If we didn't have those movies playing in our heads, we would freak. She points out that B's period is late, by her own admission, and even B scoffs at the idea that she's menstruated twice in the last year. One of the many benefits of a raging eating disorder. "And you're acting like a total bitch because you're not hormonal?" Blair suggests that Serena catch up: "Maybe I am a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?" She smiles sweetly and Serena rolls her eyes and tries to pass her the test, but Blair begs in a whisper for her to stop doing this. It's one of the first heartbreaking moments of a very upsetting episode, that little whisper. "Just take the test. You need to know if you and Chuck are gonna have a baby." Blair squares up her shoulders for another pissing match with God, and Gossip Girl giggles nastily. "And for a scandal to really blow up, all it needs is an unexpected turn."