Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Dancing Barefoot

At the Met steps, Jenny joins Blair, Kati/Iz, one of the blonde girls from the Blair Army, and a soldier we haven't seen before, named Hazel. Hazel is interesting in that if, for example, Blair and Chuck had a baby, it would look exactly like her. It is supremely freaky how much she looks like both of them at once. Blair points out that Jenny's late, and she protests that she had to drop some books off at the library. Which you might notice she spends most of the episode doing. I can barely believe that Jenny can read, but she sure does spend a lot of time carting books to the library. Maybe it's like a part-time job so that she can support her busy lifestyle of ass-kissing. In order to demonstrate her displeasure, and generally to enjoy being a bitch, and also because Blair does one weird and shitty thing to each person on the show in the first half of the episode so that they will turn on her halfway through, asks her to move down a few steps. My friend Wyatt noted that it's so totally high school that the social order would be signified by where you're sitting on the ground. That's so arbitrary and silly, I love it. Jenny casts her eyes around for some kind of help with this situation, but the rest of the army ignores her. Hazel sips her coffee and stares with her big creepy Chuck eyes. Jenny suggests that "this whole hazing thing is getting a bit old," which is kind of like asking for more hazing. I don't think I could avoid abusing Jenny Humphrey, if I were in Blair's situation, frankly. Blair points out that Jenny's in no position, and also tells her not to call her "B," because that's reserved for friends only, and Jenny is less a friend and more of a punching bag right now.

Jenny takes off after brief and weak protests from Hazel's giant face, and doesn't even stop to say hello to Serena. Blair laughs it off and explains that Jenny will be back. Serena stands there, staring at the Army who are staring at her, and finally gives an ironic jazz hand: "I'm not pregnant!" Kati and Iz are hilariously deadpan: "Cool." "Congratulations." Blonde girl suggests "celebratory drinks after school," and the free-radical bitch energy of all of this is truly astounding, it's great. Like it actually mattered if she was pregnant at any point during this scandal; it's enough that it was a false alarm, and it would have been enough if no part of it were true. Which is in fact the situation, we learn, as S pulls B away and attempts to make the case for reality.

"Did you get my text?" Blair's like, "Oh yeah, totally." So then, Serena pushes a little: "You know I told Dan I'm not pregnant." Blair smiles in a panicked way and gives her a supportive little wave about how happy she is for Serena. Serena sighs heavily, because so far in the championship of Reality v. Blair, reality has yet to even qualify. B protests at length that Serena's weird code-talking and inferences are falling on deaf and infertile ears. "Whenever something happens that's not a part of your plan, you pretend like it doesn't exist. You act like you're in this movie about your perfect life. Then I have to remind you the only one watching that movie is you." Serena, you've just described everyone that was ever in high school. If we didn't have those movies playing in our heads, we would freak. She points out that B's period is late, by her own admission, and even B scoffs at the idea that she's menstruated twice in the last year. One of the many benefits of a raging eating disorder. "And you're acting like a total bitch because you're not hormonal?" Blair suggests that Serena catch up: "Maybe I am a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?" She smiles sweetly and Serena rolls her eyes and tries to pass her the test, but Blair begs in a whisper for her to stop doing this. It's one of the first heartbreaking moments of a very upsetting episode, that little whisper. "Just take the test. You need to know if you and Chuck are gonna have a baby." Blair squares up her shoulders for another pissing match with God, and Gossip Girl giggles nastily. "And for a scandal to really blow up, all it needs is an unexpected turn."

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Gossip Girl

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