Dan and Blair, with Little J's help, have finally figured out the past ten episodes of Juliet's misbehavior. But even without this helpful info, it's probably a good idea for Serena to get some treatment anyway, just for her general loosy-goosy screwballness, so Eric talks our soldiers into leaving Serena out of their plans. With Gossip Girl's help, they track Juliet to Cornwall, CT -- on a long, adorable drive in a vintage auto -- where Damien Dalgaard fills in the blanks on both Serena's absinthe-laced boarding school history and Juliet's more recent purchase of old-school Serena-killing unguents and powders.
Nate finds himself stuck between his mother and the Captain, and it's all very back-and-forthy, but in the end he picks his dad over Anne and invites him to come live in the Empire instead of going to a halfway house. So I guess now the Captain is going to burn down Chuck's hotel or sell it for drugs or something. Which wouldn't be Chuck's only issue: Come to find out that Lily's moving fast to sell Bass Industries out from under him before he comes of age. By episode's end, he's off Down Under, presumably to grab Uncle Jack so he can rape Lily some more.
Turns out that Serena's daddy issues were still hitting hard, back in the day, but Ben somehow managed to gain S's respect and fond admiration by being the first and only man ever to turn her down. Little did she know, after running back to the UES, that Lily managed to sorta accidentally get him jailed for statutory, by signing Serena's name to an affidavit, in an attempt to... get her daughter back into Constance. (That part is confusing, especially given the fact that Eric was killing himself at the time, but to be fair even S points out how retarded it is.)
After Juliet fully infiltrates the Ostroff Center to finish murdering Serena, they figure out the whole story and S promises to make it up to her. She creates a total scene at some Bass function that causes Lily to go into this like Ultimate Rhodes Woman Meltdown where everything out of her mouth is a horrible lie, and by the end all the truths are out and everybody, including Rufus, hates Lily from her hair to her feet. Poor old Lily, fuckin' it all up again.
Then, a sort of touching midseason finale-feeling sequence of events: The We Hate Lily Club, which is everybody, comes together for a belated Thanksgiving and we find out what they'll be doing for the seven weeks before we meet again. Serena invites Dan on a road trip to see/help Ben, but ultimately takes that trip herself. Nate's all about the Captain and Chuck's all about tossing Lily under the closest bus...
Which just leaves Blair and Dan, alone together, for the whole entire break. Gigglin' and sassin' and drivin' around in vintage cars and tradin' insults and sluggin' back champers... I'm sort of excited by this sexy, deranged development, but it's like that rollercoaster excited, where maybe you're going to laugh or maybe you're going to vomit or maybe you're going to both.
January 24: Serena and Chuck team up to impersonate and somehow screw Lily, Dan and Blair presumably somehow make a mess of everybody in the world, Ben presumably comes to the UES to be hot some more, and the existence of black people is proven once and for all. See you then! XOXO.
Normally Matt & Kim means Dan and Vanessa are back together, but in this case it's an altogether more brain-bending possibility that's got the hipsters hopping: Dan and Blair Waldorf, roaming the city with double espressos discussing the entire Juliet arc. Specifically, everything that happened last week. The commentary is pretty great: "You can't show up at a masked ball and not expect at least one social-climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you," Blair points out, which is true for this show, and they discuss how dressing up like somebody and posting pictures of yourself doing coke is itself pretty weak sauce for the NJBC. These are people who more than once have had their enemies kidnapped and shipped off to Eastern Europe. Georgina alone! Not only did she get the Minsk Surprise, but also remember when Blair informed her that Jesus thought she was an asshole? That was so great.
For B, the part where "the Juliet Express goes off the rails and heads straight for Crazytown" is, of course, when Serena found herself full of drugs and suicide in a motel in Queens, finding the whole thing so very compelling that despite having neither a drug problem nor any reason to be suicidal, she checked herself in. Dan's curious as to the crazypants inner life of Juliet Sharp, which Blair finds amusing: "As someone well-acquainted with the darker human emotions, let me offer my theory. There is only one motive powerful enough to fuel a gaslighting like this, and that is retribution."
Right on the head, as usual. And I mean, Dan's fascinated by all this, but you know Blair doesn't actually care why Juliet did what she did. All B cares about is finding Juliet and curb-stomping her ass: She's not an unsub, we don't need a profiler, we just need somebody to hold our earrings when they come off. Never complain, never explain. Motives are for the poor.
Eric visits Serena at the Ostroff to discuss how great it is that she's getting treatment for all her problems she doesn't actually have, but of course Lily is busy. Doing what? Oh, meeting with the Post so she and Charles can show a unified front in defending the family biz and rep from this latest Serena fuckup. Serena's only request is that Eric sandbag those efforts by telling everybody who will listen that she's crazy, out of her mind, loony tunes. Which concept is itself all of those things.
I mean, there's a hazy sort of sense to this idea, that Serena needs to put a stop to Lily's nonstop constant WASPy lying. But coming clean about going into rehab is not going to affect anything, so really it's just a more sophisticated way for Serena to act out while still believing she has the upper hand morally. I think it's bunk and I think it's a great way to put Eric in the middle, where his ambiguity about everyone in his family can really flare up, but he's onboard for the same reason Serena is, which is to punish their mother for treating their problems like... problems. All of which would make them look like vapid dicks if we didn't know where the overall storyline is headed, which is that Lily somehow managed to get Ben put in jail through her Rhodes Woman actions, which is what unleashed Juliet in the first place.