Normally Matt & Kim means Dan and Vanessa are back together, but in this case it's an altogether more brain-bending possibility that's got the hipsters hopping: Dan and Blair Waldorf, roaming the city with double espressos discussing the entire Juliet arc. Specifically, everything that happened last week. The commentary is pretty great: "You can't show up at a masked ball and not expect at least one social-climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you," Blair points out, which is true for this show, and they discuss how dressing up like somebody and posting pictures of yourself doing coke is itself pretty weak sauce for the NJBC. These are people who more than once have had their enemies kidnapped and shipped off to Eastern Europe. Georgina alone! Not only did she get the Minsk Surprise, but also remember when Blair informed her that Jesus thought she was an asshole? That was so great.
For B, the part where "the Juliet Express goes off the rails and heads straight for Crazytown" is, of course, when Serena found herself full of drugs and suicide in a motel in Queens, finding the whole thing so very compelling that despite having neither a drug problem nor any reason to be suicidal, she checked herself in. Dan's curious as to the crazypants inner life of Juliet Sharp, which Blair finds amusing: "As someone well-acquainted with the darker human emotions, let me offer my theory. There is only one motive powerful enough to fuel a gaslighting like this, and that is retribution."
Right on the head, as usual. And I mean, Dan's fascinated by all this, but you know Blair doesn't actually care why Juliet did what she did. All B cares about is finding Juliet and curb-stomping her ass: She's not an unsub, we don't need a profiler, we just need somebody to hold our earrings when they come off. Never complain, never explain. Motives are for the poor.
Eric visits Serena at the Ostroff to discuss how great it is that she's getting treatment for all her problems she doesn't actually have, but of course Lily is busy. Doing what? Oh, meeting with the Post so she and Charles can show a unified front in defending the family biz and rep from this latest Serena fuckup. Serena's only request is that Eric sandbag those efforts by telling everybody who will listen that she's crazy, out of her mind, loony tunes. Which concept is itself all of those things.
I mean, there's a hazy sort of sense to this idea, that Serena needs to put a stop to Lily's nonstop constant WASPy lying. But coming clean about going into rehab is not going to affect anything, so really it's just a more sophisticated way for Serena to act out while still believing she has the upper hand morally. I think it's bunk and I think it's a great way to put Eric in the middle, where his ambiguity about everyone in his family can really flare up, but he's onboard for the same reason Serena is, which is to punish their mother for treating their problems like... problems. All of which would make them look like vapid dicks if we didn't know where the overall storyline is headed, which is that Lily somehow managed to get Ben put in jail through her Rhodes Woman actions, which is what unleashed Juliet in the first place.