Twisty, turny, sad and scary! Thanksgiving really is the Chrismukkah of this show, which is in turn -- and especially this season -- the Chrismukkah of TV. So Eleanor Waldorf comes into town with some kind of terrible secret, and she and Blair spend most of the episode sniffing weirdly around each other before the pedestrian truth comes out -- Eleanor and Cyrus are moving away to join the burgeoning French Colony Of Blair's Parents We Already Wanted More Of, Not Less -- and a more wonderful secret is revealed: Dorota and Vanya are pregnant! I love blue-collar Eastern Bloc babies the most because they're good with their hands, and they've got strong backs.
Dan spends the whole episode looking at Vanessa in a strange daze, but not because she's once again wearing a blanket as clothes. It takes Vanessa's awesome/horrible mother -- also wearing a blanket as clothes -- to explain to Dan that he is full-on in love with Vomitous V, and better get right with himself before making a move. She's got a point: The last time Vanessa was in love with him, it warped her into an Archibald-fucking, buzz-killing cat burglar. In other news, Vanessa is still dating a homosexual. But the glorious lion's share of drama, as it does best, surrounds the Rhodes Women:
Honorary RW members Jenny and Eric switch roles once again when she invites Jonathan to Thanksgiving, but he tells her about Eric's scheme at Cotillion, so she once again Humphries herself in Queenly apologies, but Dark Eric explains that her destruction is imminent regardless -- and he's clearly got plans in the hopper, including a mysterious ally. No mention is made of Jenny's newfound drug-dealing jetsetter lifestyle, but perhaps they are connected.
Junior RW member Serena wanders around alternately freezing out and macking on her Married Congressman, with whom she apparently STILL HAS NOT SLEPT. Maybe that explains his Crazy Eyes, which are really getting out of hand. Lily accidentally invites Maureen to Thanksgiving, so Serena and Tripp make out in an elevator, like, just to make everything worse. This destroys Nate because of how he ♥s S LOL, so he shows Maureen a video of the makeout. Serena apologizes to everybody for being an airhead whore, managing to play "contrite" for about five seconds before finding that hidden letter from Carmen Sandiego that Lily's been keeping (and which ends up in Maureen's possession, literally causing her to shine with an unholy light!). S feels betrayed and makes that face she makes before running off into Tripp's arms and sending Nate running into Chuck's, of course, while Blair and her mom bond over their many gay boyfriends.
And then there's senior RW member Lily van der Bilt, who has some other kind of drama going on, I don't even know what it is. Her disappearance from the beginning of the season turns out to be sneaky bullshit that may or may not have to do with Keith, but definitely has Grandmother -- RW Founder and Chief Executor of Awesome CeCe Rhodes, whose "blood runs with gin and secrets," we are reminded -- laughing demonically as usual. Apparently, from August to October, Lily was MIA and not with her mom. Whatever it is, I hope it kills Rufus dead. Next week: Things get all Chappaquiddicky as Serena once again pays for her sex life with death, ignominy and severe spinal injury.
Another holiday, a fresh new way for Rufus Humphrey to dork out. This time it's with some fresh Vampire Weekend song playing, which just about completes the picture. He's assigning everybody duties, and Eric and Jenny are still pretending they're allies, and Little J will be cooking but not eating the sweet potatoes, and Eric points out that the vdDubs are godless heathens and have no Thanksgiving traditions other than being exposed as past mental institution inmates.
...Unless you count Serena ruining everything, which she will be doing this year -- Lily informs us -- by volunteering at a soup kitchen with the good Congressman she's not doing it with. Also, if you care and I know that you do not, Pilot Inspektor is spending the holidays with his real family on the Cape. And CeCe, finally, will not be attending because she is dying as she has been doing for the last three years, because what began as a practical joke to force Serena to attend Cotillion has spiraled so completely out of control she can't even get out of East Egg.
Rufus pretends not to be totally hurt and whatever, and then Lily's like, "Basically, Thanksgiving is a huge hassle nobody cares about, just like every year, so we're doing takeout and if you don't like it, go back to your horror of a pointy-faced ex-wife, because she's the only person that cares besides your underage girlfriend Vanessa Abrams." Rufus pretends not to be hurt a bunch more, and shoves his recipe cards back into their decoupage carrying case without even alphabetizing them. Eric apologizes once again, and Jenny tries to crawl up his ass and pretend they're all a team, and Eric offers to "set up a video chat on [his] netbook and give Grandma a place at the table."
That sounds like a recipe for a whole other kind of bullshit casserole -- like CeCe Rhodes is so terribly advanced and not-WASPy that a "video chat on a netbook" won't make her old ass retire to bed with a martini, so why not just ask her to set up a Facebook or Twitter her thanks to the internet? -- but, as with a lot of the dialogue in this episode, it's best if you don't look too closely. Rufus is all excited about "a CeCe you can unplug," and sends Eric to get it happening.
Jenny follows Eric down the hallway, obviously having remembered that he hates her ass and has done for awhile now, but not letting that stop her from being totally annoying. He tells her that Jonathan's not coming to Thanksgiving because they broke up, and she pretends not to know why, and then when he's gone she texts Jonathan that they should have a truce and Eric misses her, and smiles smugly/Humphrily to herself about this good deed of sticking her nose where it does not belong, and somewhere St. Vanessa of the Nosey Parker feels a little bit stronger because she draws power from people noodging each other.