Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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I'm Secretly On Your Side

Blair winsomely takes her mother's hands and sincerely apologizes for acting so crazy, and Eleanor affectionately rolls her eyes like what else is new, and B giggles crazily: "You, pregnant? I mean, come on. We both know you closed for business a long time ago." (The first time through I thought she said, "You closed your business a long time ago," which would have been a bit out of character but made me laugh hard.) But then where did the pregnancy test come from? Hmm. So of course right that very second Vanya comes running up and asks them to get Dorota to talk to him, and instead of getting his presumptuous and unprofessional ass fired like you normally would, they stare at each other and go, "Oh my God!"

Upstairs, Gabriela is grilling Rufus about the two months Lily vanished from the UES (and our show, but not our hearts), because that's how she is. (I think it's brilliant that they not only wrote Kelly Rutherford's absence into the story, but then double-wrote it into a storyline of its own. We would have bought CeCe's ongoing death as a production gloss, but the fact that it's coming back around in this crazy way is just the kind of unnecessary but delightful extra effort that makes this show so wonderful.) G-Force even goes, "I don't mean to be presumptuous, but..." which of course whatever comes next is totally presumptuous, and Rufus tells her he trusts Lily, and when that doesn't shut her up, he actually mans up and heads off to find more whipped cream for whatever he's drinking, because my God.

Vanessa immediately jumps up her mom's ass about bothering Rufus. Another thing I love about this episode: Vanessa has plenty of reasons to hate her mom, she's awful. But instead of ever giving her a leg to stand on, it always seems to come out of nowhere and she's just bitching at her mom for essentially being a mom. If this were any other character it would be like, "Well, G-Spot was hiding a letter from her Dad or threw her out of the house to be a fashion designer or is keeping dossiers on everybody or made her be a prostitute three different ways or turned her into a bulimic" but with Vanessa's it's like, "Gabriela sucks just like Vanessa sucks, so we get it, you both suck, but two suckers sucking don't make for anything worthwhile either."

Lady Gabsalot tells Vanessa that she is a moral paragon of honesty and compassion and that's why she was grilling Rufus about something that clearly made him uncomfortable and is none of her damn business, and Vanessa says she handed her the same line of bullshit after she forked over an entire barista paycheck to get them tickets to see Hair, which of course you did, but Gabriela spent the whole show talking to some goddamn homeless guy. "He was a vet," is Gabriela's amazing defense, and even Vanessa is grossed out by this shameless moral carbon-trading. Dan appears and tells them both to cut it out and act happy, and Gabriela pulls the "maybe I should just go" card, but then Vanessa slices her heart right open by agreeing, which calls G's bluff and breaks the "secretly on your side" rule, so then she actually has to leave. Well played!

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Gossip Girl

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