Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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I'm Secretly On Your Side

Chuck is amazed by her holiday paranoia, which is well-documented and anyway, she says, "precedence is not paranoia," plus when she grilled dear Harold about it "he clammed up faster than Rihanna." Too soon, Blair. So now she needs to figure out Eleanor's game before she can get on the plane. Then Serena comes home from ruining a marriage and Blair calls her a whore sixteen times and S says she's just looking for Nate.

"One van der Bilt isn't enough?" asks B, which is truer than she knows, because the only reason S is even there is to wrap her web of drama and bullshit around one more boy who was stupid enough to say he loved her, and she's going to bring the whole world down around her by Thanksgiving if it takes a million cab rides, but she takes a moment to tell B that Tripp is totally leaving his wife, and "not" because of Serena. Blair points out that this is even more embarrassing for S, because it means that she's an "eighteen-year-old blonde coincidence" and thus only This Year's Model.

Serena is hurt, and Blair informs her additionally that he's totally not even leaving his wife anyway, because that's just what married creepazoids do. Chuck shrugs at his sister like, "What are you going to do?" because this whole tirade of B's is basically correct. That is, if you leave out the part where Serena is a destroyer of lives and only bets on 1000% sure things. Those Crazy Eyes of Tripp don't lie.

Nate's still talking about threesomes, because sometimes Nate is like, you tell your grandma one Christmas you want like a Stephen King book or something and then ten years later you've got the entire fucking Stephen King Library or, to be topical, you compliment your aunt on some gross salad with like wasabi peas and jell-o that she made one year and then welcome to the next thirty years of your life having to eat that shit twice a year. Nate and Dan, they try really hard to love each other, so now they know that they like to talk about the threesome, so that's what they talk about. Remember when the threesome of their conversations was soccer? God but that was a trainwreck, Bro.

Specifically the part of the threesome under discussion today is the part where Olivia's low self-esteem looked at Dan's low self-esteem staring Vanessa's gaping void of self-esteem right in the eye and how she decided that Dan was in love with Vanessa, so now Dan is in love with Vanessa. Which is so sad because of her gay boyfriend. Nate loves this story because he always wonders what Dan looks like when he's fucking, I guess. So Dan is like, "Let's keep talking about me and my love life with your ex-girlfriend and me fucking your ex-girlfriend forever and ever," and Nate obliges forever and ever.

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Gossip Girl

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