Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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I'm Secretly On Your Side

Dan invites Nate to PRADA for Thanksgiving because even though there are fifty people in the van der Bassphrey Komplex at this point, nobody is coming, essentially because Rufus is the worst. Nate says that he's going to the East Egg to patch things up with Grandfather, because I don't know if you noticed this but Nate patches things up with Grandfather more often than Blair and Serena call their friendship quits. Dan desperately tries to remind the van der Bilts via Nate that he exists, and Nate wanders away from the phone to smoke a joint and Dan does whatever he does and Serena shows up at Nate's house -- which is in the same building as her house and Chuck's house with Blair -- and goes, "Hey, do you have a second so I can really screw with your head, I mean seriously fuck with your mind, for no other reason than my sublimated rage?"

Dan hangs up in DUMBO and wonders what he will do without Nate at Thanksgiving and then Vanessa just wanders right the fuck on in. She is wearing a quilted blanket as though it is clothes, which makes her Little Match Girl sob story about having no home and no family and no prospects and no ability to take care of herself even more moving. She fought with Mama Gabriela about -- it's to be assumed -- something dumb, so can she just stay at DUMBO and maximize awkwardness and crash Thanksgiving instead of just pulling it together like this one time. Dan stares at her with loving stares of love, and it's gross, and Vanessa finds it gross, and Dan word-vomits about how he's not in love with her, he just had a stroke or whatever, and of course she can stay there. Then he wonders how bad he can fuck that simple setup sideways, and immediately settles on the dumbest thing. You can take the Rufus out of DUMBO but you cannot Febreeze the Humphrey out of DUMBO.

Rufus is still drinking coffee out of his Prufrock china while they talk to CeCe on the computer. I guess she is so rich and so evil that she can do this but if you had a real grandmother consultant it would be more like, "Do I just talk into this? Do I need to press a button? I think that woman is stealing my jewelry." Rufus spills the beans about Lily's constant lies about CeCe's constant dying, and starts scratching nervously at his neck immediately, because even just talking to CeCe is asking for it, and so this is a meta-minefield with the mines placed between previous mines of a minefield. CeCe's like, "Oh, she said I was sick? Here's how we're going to take care of that lie: I'm coming to Manhattan immediately on my broom, and if you tell my daughter that I'm coming, the sphincter-tightening fear you're already feeling will be an understatement. Cool?" Rufus is like, "But wait, I fucked something up here!" and she's all, "Later!" and turns off the computer. Eric shivers like the Dementors are hovering over Rufus and he can't even see them.

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Gossip Girl

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