Well, Blair and Chuck are still on the outs, but that doesn't stop him from coming to the Waldorfs' -- where I guess everybody in the entire Upper East Side now lives -- to throw Dorota and Vanya a big shotgun wedding. Which is sweet, but devolves out of Dorota being annoying in like ten new ways, and then everybody being annoying and patronizing as usual toward her, but at least Cyrus Rose is back. He tells Eleanor to stop treating Dorota like a favored pet and start treating her like family, which has the desired effect but also makes Eleanor realize on some level that she broke Blair as a child.
Blair's not convinced, although a discussion with Dan Humphrey about how horrific and soulless she is does the trick. If you ever need to feel terrible about yourself, Dan's your man. Even though Blair has decided it's partially her fault, Nate is so appalled by the whoring that he breaks up with Chuck. If anybody's going to sympathize with an accidental prostitute, it is Nate Archibald. This breaks Chuck's heart, but then luckily B decides to get back together with him, because they are the only people on Earth horrible enough to love each other. Then at the last second B freaks out and decides that she is only his Corpse Bride and that in fact it's possible for her to become a better person without him.
If ever there were an episode to discover this truth, though, it's this one: Every single person around them is also disgusting. Lily's not with CeCe, obviously, but Rufus finally figures that out. And Serena's having secret meetings again with Carter Baizen, who has located her Dad in Palm Beach, but instead of being straight with Nate she runs around behind his back looking for vdDubs even though they had their cathartic moment of deciding Dad didn't matter awhile back, because she doesn't want him to think she doesn't respect his critical thinking skills.
S has some fight with Carter and ends up flying to Palm Beach alone, where once again she finds her mom chilling in vdDubs's hotel room. Back in the UES, Jenny -- when not being condescending about Eric's new bisexual boyfriend Cute Elliot -- takes all the liberties she can to make S look as bad as possible, but really the mistake most people are making here is in assuming that Nate even remembers when things happen.
Next week: Chuck decides to break Serena and Nate up so that he can have Nate back; Jenny is on board with that plan; maybe we meet Dr. van der Woodsen?
Check out the Gossip Girl pun index for this episode.
Black and white Blair's asleep in a noir universe with '50s music playing, under Chuck's painting. She's wearing that Matthew Williamson dress this show is so damned fond of. Three Matrix guys, hotel employees, come into the bedroom, and she screams and they they're acting on "boss's orders," and then manhandle her out of the room while she screams Chuck's name. A second later, Chuck comes running into the room and finds the dress in a pile, and screams "NOOOO!" It's all very dramatic, and of course it's Chuck's noir dream, because he is also a crazy person like Blair and now we have proof. He wakes up screaming, only to remember that the nightmare is all too real. Meanwhile Blair is in bed at Chez Waldorf, all alone and sad.
Chuckles comes out looking for booze, but the Blondes have apparently hidden all the liquor and will now cure him very seriously with this thing they've discovered called coffee. Chuck, looking at your chest hair is like a whiff of Tom Ford's taint. Shut it down. He's wearing black pajamas because everything is so sad, and the Twinsies are all about how he needs to stop moping and make up with Blair, and he's so bored of them and they're so boring and it's so clear they don't really care about any of this that he just goes downstairs to get some booze from the hotel he owns that they're all running around in their pajamas all the time, because these people are all alcoholics with too much downtime and their parents are even more poorly behaved than they are.
Denied, the Twinsies stare at each other for a while and try to remember what is happening, and then S sends Nate off to bother Blair while she has "breakfast with the Humphreys," which is code for "something stupid that Nate could care less about, but matters only because Serena lies constantly for no actual reason."
Meanwhile, Chez Waldorf, Dorota's yelling something in her racist language that's really getting on Eleanor's nerves. (Understandable. Especially since the screaming and hanging up makes no sense with what follows.) Cyrus's equanimity, though, is unbothered, because apparently he's had a stroke or did a huge rail that causes him to scream everything he says with a giant grin and act like everything that happens is the most exciting goddamn thing that's ever happened. What's going on is that annoying Dorota's annoying mysterious parents are coming to New York, and she hasn't married Vanya, even though from here you can see that she is clearly eleven months pregnant.
Instead of asking Dorota what she's been doing all this time instead of marrying the guy -- and wouldn't her mysterious rich parents be just as annoyed that she got secretly married as secretly knocked up? -- Cyrus screams at such a volume something having to do with vodka and her Polish parents. She says that it is more likely that they will kidnap her than accept things, which is I guess what happens in the Eastern Bloc, and he doesn't even care about the answer because he's so high that he screams NATE! when Nate walks in, even though they've never met. I think Cyrus is on E, that's what they're like. Or maybe this new drug "Twelve."