But before she can ruin things for Eric, Elliott's girlfriend pops up out of nowhere. Not a dealbreaker, but watch your ass. Eleanor apologizes to Cyrus for attempting to explain to him how things work in the real world, and says she's finally come around to his insane way of thinking. He says she's a good mother, and she thinks wistfully of how Blair used to have an eating disorder before Cyrus showed up and started force-feeding Blair all the time. Because that's how you fix that.

Chuck's confused, because Blair gave him that insane speech about hell and then gave the other insane speech about how she hates Chuck, so what's going on right now? Well, she finally lets slip that she never fucked Jack, which makes Chuck cry from laughing so hard, because what a farce. But Blair says that now, she has a better reason to not be with Chuck, because a proud Russian man from Minsk said some barely comprehensible things, and now she wants, even more condescendingly than everything that's already happened:

"...What Dorota and Vanya have. Real love, pure and simple love." The kind of love where you have to petition the state to live together without a caregiver. A Robbie Benson/George Burns love. A real Riding The Bus With My Sister kind of love.

While Chuck says, correctly, that she'd be bored by this hypothetical Pumpkin within five minutes, she says that she'd rather that than be ashamed of herself. "I would do anything for you, Chuck. But what if that's wrong? I never thought it was possible to love someone too much, but maybe it is. I don't like who I've become with you." Got it. He asks her not to "bail" on him, and she tells him it's the end of the line. And I mean, I get it, and this is where she's been headed all season, and they earned it with the Jack thing. They really did. But show, don't tell. And this show is just tell now.

Little J is only lies now: "I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this, [Nate,] but uh, Serena left with Carter."