Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Magnets: How They Work

"Oh, this is tough question! There so many things I love about [Dorota]. But I think what I love most is way I feel with her. With Dorota I am best possible version of myself. I have peace in my heart, knowing I will be good husband, good father. I will die proud Russian man, very much in love."

Chuck watches this idiotic speech, by a man who is not Russian, have the effect on Blair of her brain melting out through eyes and down her face, because she just gave in to being the worst possible version of herself in order to be back with him, because of magnets, and then the "Happy Couple" thing is supposed to happen, but instead of pulling her shit together and going through with it, Blair Waldorf interrupts the entire wedding so she can shit on it, in tears, and run away with the bride so they can talk about her boy problems while the rest of the wedding stands around and feels sorry for Blair. Who is a little asshole.

"I should have realized that something was still wrong with you and Mr. Chuck," Dorota apologizes, "But it was my fucking wedding, you shitty little girl!" Just kidding, she goes: "But you always tell me everything!" Apologizing, now, for her inability to read the mind of a person who is clearly mentally ill. While her wedding stands around feeling like jackasses. "I couldn't admit it to anyone," B admits tearfully. "I could barely admit it to myself." Well, isn't that a pointless overdramatization of a crisis you created yourselves, I can see why you'd stop my wedding to tell me about your problems admitting whatever it was that you couldn't admit to yourself, even though you only decided to get back together with Chuck just before the last commercial break, and thus had no time to suppress this information, from yourself or other people. Blair asks if Vanya hates her for ruining the fucking wedding for no reason whatsoever, and Dorota seriously goes:

"No. Miss Blair, I came to America to start new life. To make new traditions. And lucky for me, I find great people to do this with. I find my family."

So... Your new tradition is to get your wedding fucked up by a spoiled brat with mental problems? Because before you were worrying about Polish City Hall. Oh, and Blair is "family," but the kind that pay you and your boyfriend to murder Bible Camp grafters.

"When I saw how happy you and Vanya are, I realized how unhappy I am." And I decided to destroy it. Mission accomplished! "I wish you to be like me one day. To find right love, good love. I don't need you to be happy couple, Miss Blair. I just need you to be happy." I just need you to both shut up. You've managed to create an Eastern European domestic that makes that old bitch from Sex & The City seem like a progressive, fresh character. So, somehow watching from the doorway as Dorota selflessly talks Blair through meltdown #14,456, Eleanor is overcome with emotion and realizes that Dorota is family. Or whatever.

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Gossip Girl




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