Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Magnets: How They Work

Little J is only lies now: "I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this, [Nate,] but uh, Serena left with Carter."

On the way to the airport, S figures out that Carter's been stringing her along for a few days with this latest information, because he thought he might get a piece. Astounded that anybody would ever think they could just hook up with her by mentioning her father -- despite the fact that she's been doing it all season, most memorably with Carter himself after rustling a horse -- leaves Carter's ass in Queens on the side of the road, and tells him he's not allowed to help her find her father anymore. Then, because GG is creepy, she goes, "With Carter out of the picture, it looks like Serena's making room for daddy..." You know, no matter how many times you do that, it's still fucked up. It doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't do anything, it doesn't really mean anything, it's just gross. Stop.

Dorota and Vanya act super ethnic about their apartment. Eleanor gives her a WASP outpouring of emotion: "Thank you, Dorota, for... Everything." Dorota says she thinks of Eleanor as her mother, which is visibly painful for Eleanor, and then the happy couple go back to doing kick-squats and star-jumps with giant jugs of vodka on their heads.

CeCe calls Rufus back to tell him she's not telling him shit, but thought she should let him know she got his messages. Amazing. She tells him to talk to his wife and stop bothering her, and goes back to bathing in gin.

Humphrey hands Blair a champagne glass and toasts her and she makes fun of him for dating Vanessa Abrams and then gives him a noogie and they hold hands and dance around together and Chuck tries to make her jealous with the Russian girl from before, which Nate finds time to be upset by for reasons that are not addressed.

Speaking of homosexuals, though, Elliott's girlfriend left the party because he was so obsessed with a certain somebody that he couldn't stop talking about him and dragged her all the way to a horrible racist wedding in stupid Queens. Ladies, I know sometimes boys act confusing and we sometimes do things for effect? And we like to pretend we're always upfront, but we're really just as sneaky as you? We know that bothers and confuses you. But honey, if your boy acts like he has a crush on another boy? He does. We are not that complicated. You let him go to Queens on his own, and find yourself another one.

Elliott explains all of this to Eric in a very forthright manner, but Eric has that dazzled look you get the first time the bisexuals come calling -- somewhere between "I see a beautiful unicorn" and "I see a charging rhino" -- and asks him to go over it one more time, because the question still hasn't been answered. Elliott explains that he likes boys, particularly Eric, and then they go off to dance and start setting up mines and grenades all over the place for the incoming horrific drama explosion that will, and does, inevitably result.

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Gossip Girl




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