Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Magnets: How They Work

I'm not saying this particular word is like a huge deal with me, because it is in fact common fucking knowledge, but this exact type of trashy misuse of language and continual dropping of the editorial bar seems indicative of the general newfound shittiness of the show. Even Rachel Carr spoke fucking English above a high school level. And it makes me nervous and very angry, because The O.C. and Ugly Betty both had eerily similar arcs: The first season was amazing, the second season was lovable, the third season somehow ended up written by a committee of trailer park romance enthusiasts with half a dictionary between them, and then both shows came back for a roaringly excellent fourth season, which nobody watched. This is becoming a trashy show, FUBU trashy people, and that is not something I need in my life. Why not just cut to the excellence, and leave out the endangerment/clutch play part altogether? Why not go straight to the Chester Ches and Taylor Townsends and Mini Coopers without first having to deal with fucking Johnny Harper and his stupid surfer buddies?

Anyway. Nate goes upstairs trying to get the image of Eleanor climbing a doorframe out of his head long enough to remember why he's there, and finally asks why Blair -- whose middle name is, he reminds her, "Punishment" -- is punishing Chuck. She can't talk about it, but they're the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, so then she can talk about it, but he can't tell Serena if she does. Which he will immediately do, even though she's second on the list of biggest whores right after him, and would find it really gross to judge anybody else for anything anyway. But it's Blair, I get it. So she explains that Chuck sold her ass to Jack, in such a way that it sounds an awful lot like she went through with it even though we know she didn't, and of course Nate's quantum mechanics go all squirrelly inside his brain because of how personally he takes prostitution, and immediately you can see the robot readout in his eyeballs turning Chuck's heading from SECRET GAY BOYFRIEND to WE NEED TO TALK.

Downstairs things are going better. Just kidding! Downstairs, Cyrus literally goes, "My Slavic language skills are a little rusty, but I'm pretty sure she just said, 'Over my dead goat.' Or body -- the words are very similar." Is that not something Sophia Petrillo would say? This show needs a laugh track. And I would say, like, a sassy maid, but they already have one. You start thinking we've come so far and no longer have race as an issue, and then all they have to do is turn Dorota white and it's Game On with jokes that are ten times grosser than Archie Bunker would ever even think of.

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Gossip Girl




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