Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Magnets: How They Work

Surprise! Serena isn't having brunch at PRADA with the Horrible Humphreys, she's chillin' with delicious Carter Baizen. GG thinks that is just too much, but you know what? Get him to buy you a TV show to be on, since he stopped being broke with no warning and can clearly afford it suddenly. What can Nate buy you? Because that's what matters. That, and being kind to your broken-English help even if they don't really deserve it.

Okay so first of all, stop Binging things. It's like watching your aunt hit on your swim coach. And secondly, how great is it that the wedding, even though Chuck is throwing it, still has to take place in Queens? Probably because they don't know what sort of people Dorota and Vanya will be inviting, and don't want to get the Empire grubby, especially so soon after the highly publicized situation where Chuck raped all those people. The poor place can only take so much. Meanwhile, because we have completely fucking forgotten ourselves, Blair goes, "All this disingenuous generosity is making me want to vomit!" I feel you, girl. Especially since neither of us has ever had an eating disorder and thus we're totally on the same level.

Chuck says he's not being disingenuous, because that's not the term for what they're being, because the term for what they're being is criminally patronizing. Blair can't believe that anybody would ever do anything for Dorota, ever, and that obviously this is about how much she loves weddings. Which is probably true, but I ask you: Is that not just about the grossest statement, either way, about yourself?

Chuck changes the subject: "Blair... You and I are magnetic. You can feel it. Our pull is as undeniable as ever." First of all, when does Chuck find the time to read my recaps. And second of all, fuckin' magnets. How do they work? Glad you asked: "I love you. Saying it was hard, but I did. And I've never looked back. So now I'm asking you, please do this for me. Please forgive me." Miracles! Marvels of the modern world! You have a totally realistic grievance where I knowingly tricked you into prostituting yourself, and all I have to do is say "please"! And while we've seen Dan pull that trick, most recently on Vanessa, no way would Blair ever be stupid enough to... Oh, she's going to end up blaming herself for this? Awesome. Cool. Moving along.

Nate shows up and his robot readout says WE NEED TO TALK and the gunsights in his ocular headsup display turn from green to a persimmon color that doesn't quite mean "enemy" but in robot means something like, "I thought I was your only whore." But first he has to deal with Serena, who immediately drops her cover -- the lie that is completely unnecessary and yet provides more of a cohesive plotline than anything else in this mess -- by snarfing down a huge croissant, even though she doesn't eat carbs, because she didn't have waffles at the Humphreys', because she was with Carter. So these particular two people are so stupid that this constitutes a clue. To a mystery. About breakfast.

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Gossip Girl




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