Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Magnets: How They Work

Chuck's point is that she went up there without knowing she was being manipulated, but... She was still being manipulated. He keeps acting like that's the loophole but I don't see how that could be true. If I handed you a gun and said, "That person killed your mom and you're next," and you shot the person, but then it turned out to be your mom and I was lying, I can't be like, "Look, you're the one that shot your mom." I would at least have to admit that I'd played a mean prank on you. Not to mention your poor mom.

Nate goes, "No, you deserve to be alone!" sort of out of nowhere, and Chuck changes the subject to how retarded Nate is. Which ordinarily would be awesome, except the whole point of this show is that it's fun to be the peanut gallery. When the show starts looking directly at you and making jokes so we can laugh at them and feel superior -- when everything is a broad, trashy wink -- then the show's not being written at all. It's just a xerox parody of something that used to be good and is now desperate for attention.

While Chuck makes hay of the fact that once again Serena has lied for no fucking reason about something minor and thus Nate has nowhere to stand regarding his prostituting of their shared ex-girlfriend, Serena is upstairs moaning at B in something that almost approaches language. You could swear she's more over this show than I am. They say hateful underminding things at each other: "But that's what makes you guys so good together. You love games. It's who you are!" Serena says, and Blair explains that no, it's Nate and Serena that belong together, because -- like Dorota and Vanya -- they are too stupid to live: "No games, no lies, no secrets. Just pure honesty. That's how it's supposed to be. I know that now. How do you do it?" S feels bad because on some level she knows that was a burn, but also: She did lie about a croissant once.

Nate wanders downstairs to hit the florist and Carter appears out of thin air to laugh in his face and act like something major is happening and that he's fucking Serena. He gives him something in a hotel-room-shaped envelope to give to S, and they sort of smolder and it's kind of a nonstarter, and then Eric and Jenny also randomly appear out of nowhere so that Nate can ask them if they had breakfast with S. Guess which one automatically lies and says yes and which one says no. I'll give you a hint: It's Jenny that has no tact and cannot be trusted. "Why? Did she say she was?" No, Jenny, he's just narrowing down a list of all possible fucking places on Earth that Serena might have had breakfast. Next up: Did Serena have breakfast in Dubai? On a house, with a mouse? Perhaps somewhere in Midtown? Why, did she say she was?

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Gossip Girl

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