Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Magnets: How They Work

Cyrus with I swear to God actual coke crust visible up inside one hairy nostril runs up to shriek at Eleanor about how he found the perfect gift for Dorota and Vanya. Only if it's new owners could it possibly be that exciting. Eleanor is desperate to get away from his zany ass, and bonds with Jenny over Monique Lhuillier's love of silk netting before she turns to Serena and hands off the hotel-key-shaped envelope from Carter to Nate to jenny to Serena, in the nastiest way she possibly can. S, of course, is just totally weirded out by life today and doesn't even notice the vicious purpose in Jenny's eyes or what could possibly be in the envelope. Which she doesn't actually need. For any possible reason.

"Now it is time to play traditional Eastern European wedding games. Some of these games date all the way back to 14th century, but back then they used virgins. And today... Not so much. First game we play is balloon game. Everybody must find partner. You take balloon and put in between. Now when music changes, you and partner get closer. Now whoever does not pop balloon wins game, and winner gets rare matryoshka doll!"

I don't actually need to say anything about this, do I? We understand why this is embarrassing? Eric is in a foul mood as they dance with balloons, and apparently spent the three hours between the last scene and this one lurking about in the Waldorf lobby instead of doing anything uncreepy, like, calling the dude up and saying he's in the building, come down and hang out for the five seconds it would take to crack this case. Of course, Jenny takes about two moves to mention her obvious goal of breaking up Nate and Serena, and once again Eric acts like she's not twirling her mustache and revealing her plans outright and just says her name really curtly, like she's being just a little inappropriate, so that she can do that eerie grin she always gets when she's lying right to your face. The day the ankle-dip turned evil, man, we just never came back from that, did we?

Some Russian ho from Brighton Beach comes onto Chuck, and he immediately runs to Blair so they can dance with balloons and maybe work up some of that staticky energy that may or may not be how magnets work. Meanwhile, Serena is apologizing to Nate for lying to him for no reason, and then lies about it for no reason: "I bumped into him on the street the other day, and I told him we could have coffee, and that's it." No, you're back on Daddy duty and acting idiotic, but way to make it worse.

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Gossip Girl

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