Nate points out that Carter acted more like they were doing it, and she's like, "He convinced his fourth grade class at Dalton that Barneys was named after the dinosaur!" She tries to explain to Nate the one true part, which is just that Carter is fucking with him. Like he does every time he shows up, and every time Nate falls for it. Even S is shocked by how dumb Nate is. "This is me you're talking to. You have to trust me!" Even Nate is shocked by how disingenuous that was. "...You don't trust me?" S is shocking with how dumb she is. "The only reason we're having this conversation right now is because you got caught." Nate is shocked by how dumb Serena is. And so on.
While the fuckin' Black-Eyed Peas are covered on the accordion, which is like how this show used to be clever and is now more like the Black-Eyed Peas, Eleanor asks where Vanessa is, because this is already a shitty party and it can't take a dose of Abrams if anybody is going to survive, and Dan goes, "She's in Vermont." Literally, that's all he says. We don't even care that much, that we need a location, but it's funny that they supplied one. Eleanor's like, "If you're not going to dance, at least make yourself useful. These Russians drink more than Larry Hagman on his first liver." Sophia Petrillo, ladies and gents! "Bartender needs more ice."
I feel like there's something to this that I'm not getting, because that was fucked up but the actress was adorable and loving when she did it, so that means at least three people signed off that behavior for some reason that I cannot fathom. Dan scurries off to get more ice even though that is shockingly uncool and tacky -- not to mention super weird, given what's about to happen -- and then Cyrus appears at the end of a handspring step out roundoff back handspring step out roundoff back handspring full-twisting layout, "papers" in hand.
Papers for what? Oh, the entire apartment in Queens that he just bought for Vanya and Dorota. People he doesn't know. Employees of his household. Eleanor tries to explain how grotesquely over the line that is, and he screams w/r/t a Vera Wang cake knife: "Not enough!" Which I agree that a more important gift is called for, but not an entire apartment. It's just creepy. Eleanor points out that Dorota lives in a UES penthouse, which is better than an apartment in Queens, and Cyrus screams so high and so loud that I don't even know what his comeback is for that. Something to do with the baby -- or many babies, from the looks of things -- inside her body. "She's just a maid, for goodness sake," Eleanor laughs, and then fuckin' Cyrus goes, "She practically raised Blair!"