Everybody's so excited about the first day of school! Except for Blair, who doesn't know why she should even bother if Gossip Girl's offline. Eric, on the other hand, has a feeling it's because she has something especially awful in store for Serena, and possibly everybody. Guess who's right? Guess who's always right? (...Well, not this time, exactly.)
First day of school means fresh new secret societies! Like Hamilton House, where Penelope (hi!) and Juliet (yay!) are legacies. I still have no idea how old Juliet's supposed to be. Anyway, it turns out that Blair gets into the club and Serena doesn't, but S knows damn well that Juliet's up to something, so it becomes this weird conspiracy that makes S look paranoid and almost causes Blair and Serena to split up, before they realize they are grown-ass women now and can actually talk about things.
Juliet's duplicity is revealed and, with Lily's help, she's ousted from Hamilton House and must console herself with Nate, who after three and a half months has finally noticed that he's angry at Serena for kissing Dan that time. Wait until he finds out Juliet's actually willing to sleep with him just to do some kind of bizarre conspiracy.
But really, none of this matters and was never the point because Juliet's deal is much weirder, obviously, and involves separating Serena from everybody in the NJBC, even Dan. Maybe they think she actually lives on popularity and will waste away. Maybe that's true, actually. But hey, if you're thinking Juliet's secret avengee is somebody we know, think again: It's her hot boyfriend, in white-collar jail, that we've never seen before.
(Carter Baizen victim? Somebody else from boarding school, as my bud Sophie suggested? He's about that age. Oh, did Serena accidentally rig a Ponzi scheme while she was in boarding school -- between all those "hot chocolate drinking" contests -- and this guy took the fall? Or is he somehow part of the Gabriel/Poppy story? It's so exciting! Pete Fairman was into drugs, but Juliet mentioned him tonight, so maybe that factors in. I would love it if somehow Georgina were still to blame for everything...)
Speaking of, these dumbos in DUMBO finally notice that Georgina never came back from the spa when Gossip Girl shows pictures of her sunning in St. Bart's. Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together to raise the baby like any good pair of Brooklyn idiots, even after Rufus's extensive medical knowledge proves that it's not their baby. Then Georgina comes home just rife with lies and crazy stories and takes off with the baby again, so now Dan has to live with Vanessa for no reason.
Apparently Eric has revised his entire opinion about Jenny and Chuck since last year and has turned into one of those overinvested hysterics who remembers a rape happening that never happened, so he runs to Rufus and infects him with four years' worth of self-righteous idiocy. Of course this comes prêt-à-porter in Rufus's favorite color, so no problem. It's not like Jenny's opinion about any of this matters.
There's a bunch of fooferaw and mess at FNO but everything works out okay in the end. Eva's totally fine with her boyfriend's rich history of raping, Eric and Rufus decide to show a modicum of fucking respect for Jenny's ownership of her own sexuality finally, and Lily... Well, you know Lily could give a shit, she just loves Chuck. So that's fine.
And finally -- after staging a fake fight for some reason that Gossip Girl reroutes to fuck with Juliet, who is stealing her thunder -- Blair and Serena realize that they really can have it all: Dorota's been abusing decorators all week to get Serena's new bedroom in Blair's house (Eleanor's house?) all fixed up. Which means everybody has moved in with each other except for Nate, who is somehow okay with Eva being the third wheel Chez Bass... for now.
What a fun outing! Stylish, clever, quick-moving and twisty. Next week: More. XOXO.
Gossip Girl is down, under construction. Blair is freaking out -- "How is my first day supposed to matter if Gossip Girl isn't around to tell people it does?" -- and Dorota assumes she's been kidnapped, because she likes to watch SVU while breastfeeding. Serena's excited, because GG is her nemesis most of the time, but Eric -- who has a titanic chip up his ass this week for some reason -- reminds her that this could all be about Serena anyway: Maybe GG is planning something spectacularly awful. Since Serena is the center of the universe, she's like, "Yeah, good thinking."
Eva slips out onto the roof of the Empire so that she can do something, it's never made clear what through her speaking-like noises, but I guess just to look at New York and try to figure out what she's doing there. What nobody knows is that, at this exact moment across the world, a random American hooker this French dude picked up somewhere is doing the same thing, because it's the same time here as it is in Paris. Chuck is scared for a second because he's afraid of losing Eva, but then joins her on the roof because the roof is his favorite place to think about ending it all. You can lead the horticulture but there's no shaking the French angst out of her. They fuck desperately at the edge of the world.
It is agreed that without Gossip Girl there will be no Chuck news, which suits B just fine. Blair tries to compare defcons by pointing out that S also has an ex "loose" on campus, because we're pretending that Serena dated Nate at some point, but the other logic hole here is that Nate goes to class. Serena doesn't care because she thinks they're still friends, and she also thinks that he's dating Juliet, which means no issues. Blair, thinking these are two tragedies and not two untrue things invented by S, tries to cheer her up.
"You are Serena van der Woodsen! We've been on campus what, five minutes, I bet there's already an entire frat house filled with guys fighting over you!" Once again, S must agree. Actually, she's not even listening. Her head, inside her head, it's like this right now. Blair assures her best friend that there will be no jealousy issues in this episode, and everybody laughs. It's not called Best Friend Girl, it's called Gossip Girl. Besides, turns out they're still doing Left Bank/Right Bank like in Paris.
B's all excited because she assumes they're getting into St. Anthony's, or what we're calling Hamilton House, a club "so restricted they make SoHo House look like a halfway house." Let's all bow our heads in thanks that a "restricted" club doesn't mean what it used to. Now it's just restricted from poor people, which is how the world works. "So they do have a Columbia chapter!" S says, paying attention for a sec. "I always suspected Nate was a member, but he would never fess up."