Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Pieces Of Jennifer's Body
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Gossip Girl is down, under construction. Blair is freaking out -- "How is my first day supposed to matter if Gossip Girl isn't around to tell people it does?" -- and Dorota assumes she's been kidnapped, because she likes to watch SVU while breastfeeding. Serena's excited, because GG is her nemesis most of the time, but Eric -- who has a titanic chip up his ass this week for some reason -- reminds her that this could all be about Serena anyway: Maybe GG is planning something spectacularly awful. Since Serena is the center of the universe, she's like, "Yeah, good thinking."

Eva slips out onto the roof of the Empire so that she can do something, it's never made clear what through her speaking-like noises, but I guess just to look at New York and try to figure out what she's doing there. What nobody knows is that, at this exact moment across the world, a random American hooker this French dude picked up somewhere is doing the same thing, because it's the same time here as it is in Paris. Chuck is scared for a second because he's afraid of losing Eva, but then joins her on the roof because the roof is his favorite place to think about ending it all. You can lead the horticulture but there's no shaking the French angst out of her. They fuck desperately at the edge of the world.

It is agreed that without Gossip Girl there will be no Chuck news, which suits B just fine. Blair tries to compare defcons by pointing out that S also has an ex "loose" on campus, because we're pretending that Serena dated Nate at some point, but the other logic hole here is that Nate goes to class. Serena doesn't care because she thinks they're still friends, and she also thinks that he's dating Juliet, which means no issues. Blair, thinking these are two tragedies and not two untrue things invented by S, tries to cheer her up.

"You are Serena van der Woodsen! We've been on campus what, five minutes, I bet there's already an entire frat house filled with guys fighting over you!" Once again, S must agree. Actually, she's not even listening. Her head, inside her head, it's like this right now. Blair assures her best friend that there will be no jealousy issues in this episode, and everybody laughs. It's not called Best Friend Girl, it's called Gossip Girl. Besides, turns out they're still doing Left Bank/Right Bank like in Paris.

B's all excited because she assumes they're getting into St. Anthony's, or what we're calling Hamilton House, a club "so restricted they make SoHo House look like a halfway house." Let's all bow our heads in thanks that a "restricted" club doesn't mean what it used to. Now it's just restricted from poor people, which is how the world works. "So they do have a Columbia chapter!" S says, paying attention for a sec. "I always suspected Nate was a member, but he would never fess up."

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Gossip Girl

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