Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Pieces Of Jennifer's Body

Rufus starts making noises about telling Ivva what a rapist her boyfriend was, three or four personalities ago, in a pilot where Eleanor Waldorf was played by a completely different woman and Dan actually made for a convincing high schooler, but in a last-ditch Pyrrhic attempt, Chuck plays the cad card. Is that her now? "No, it's obviously just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass. Whoever she is, she's not with me." Ivva, used to these games but still kind of confused about their frequency, wanders away. Worth saying: Her matte red lipstick is phenomenal, even if a little on-the-nez as a look.

Hammies are all about Serena "going Jersey Shore" on Blair's "ass," and GG streaming it live. Juliet's all about that shit, of course, and immediately gets her 4G on. The dialogue, however, is worth reproducing, so here's everything the girls say while Juliet is marveling at it all and eventually putting it on the flatscreens all over FNO, and I guess getting served in some way. As usual, the zero boys in Hamilton House are all about it.

"Oh, you couldn't stand my stealing your spotlight!" Why wouldn't Hamilton House want you? "Yeah, while you were at NYU begging for middle class minions, I had a job!" You can't seriously be referring to your... "I learned a lot about the issues!" You mean your Daddy Issues? "Oh, like you're so healthy? 'I love Chuck, I hate Chuck, I love Chuck, I hate Chuck...'" And who do you love? Nate, then Dan, then Dan again, Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Tripp, then Dan again, then Nate again. Did your father finally fix that? Because he seemed pretty busy giving your mom fake cancer!

Gor. Geous. I feel like only the Rachel Zoƫ/Brad Goreski creature could invent words for how wonderful it feels to hear all of that at once. My goodness. And but still this feeling that it's less about them saying this shit for once and more for this one long-form shaggy-dog joke that still doesn't really matter at all where Juliet gets served.

Some episodes I'd rhapsodize about how they're finally saying it, but it doesn't play that way. It just plays, like too many jokes so far this season, as a little wink to us the viewers. Which, the whole show is a wink to us the viewers, so the pandering handjob has a limited shelf-life. I honestly, I thought that last year's plummeting ratings would result in a fourth-year/pre-cancellation creative renaissance like with O.C. and Ugly Betty, and I'm not saying that didn't happen -- this season is fucking great so far -- but there's been more self-aware pomo dick-jerking so far than I've seen on any show with this high profile, in quite awhile. It's like the first twenty minutes of Easy A in here, every week. And I truly thought we'd hit the roof on that last year, between all the waffles and the fucking constant annoying Dorota shit.

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Gossip Girl

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