Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Pieces Of Jennifer's Body

...Hey, it's Dorota. Offering champers to Juliet as she pulls back the literal curtain on Serena and Blair on a chaise looking fabulous and chill, having set the whole thing up with GG ahead of time to... Still not clear. Prove that they're still friends? Which is a nice switch-em-up for us the viewer and, in a certain way that only matters to the three of them, a burnface on Juliet, but why all of FNO had to be involved or how it changes the situation? Still not sure. Her fake position in a pointless secret society is now in doubt. Maybe Nate grows a brain and realizes this is the fifth freaky game she's pulled on them in only three episodes. But come on.

Endgame: Less one fake-pulled-out extension, Juliet has severed Serena's ties with Dan and Nate but not with Blair, which is part of the plan from last week. The end. And this is how we prove it. But treating it like a total takedown... I mean, it's poignant in that we know, and revisit at the end, the fact that none of this drama is Juliet's actual goal, so... Nope, now I'm going in circles. If only Inspector Serena were here.

(I mean, the problem here is a simple one -- compounded by Eric's unexplained turnaround about the Chuck thing, given his believable previous reaction of "Gross, why?" -- which is that obviously S and B had a conversation that went, "So I know that you think this is my crazy head doing this and that I'm playing into all of your fantasies of one day overcoming me, and throughout this episode we've both been given ample reason to think that's all it is, but nevertheless I love you and this is a problem we can face together: Could you please set aside your secret gloating and then we can fix this issue as a team?" Major moment.

And then Blair gave in, due to sisterhood -- major moment #2 -- and they went to Lily and got the whole thing straightened out and then filmed all of this and then asked GG to help them play a trick on the Keymaster, as a team. Which is the actual point of the episode. But because it was more important to leave us with jaws hanging, we didn't actually get that scene -- the most important part of the episode -- so instead it's just this hell yeah moment that is neither hell yeah nor particularly a moment. And there's no telling when or where it all went down, considering Lively played her entry with the animal-print Plastics like she was still pissed, so instead we're getting the end of the story and then the part that makes it matter as an afterthought. Sisterhood won, but we weren't there to see it. Just to gloat afterward, which helps nobody.)

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Gossip Girl

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