Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Pieces Of Jennifer's Body

But that's honestly how boys actually are: "I rode my bike past your house eleven times! It was like praying!" I was not even home most of those times! "You're still (500) Days of Bitch!" And yet I still don't understand or care! Could you just be cool like one time? "You don't comprehend love!" No, I just don't comprehend what your mental fantasy realm has to do with my actual life.

So when Anastasia's hot dad/doorman Vanyaderbass approached Georgina and took her to Minsk to get her out of everybody's hair, he vanished by the time she was on the plane. But instead there was Sergei, a Russian businessman who fucked her kidnapped teenage self to the degree of being "platinum members of the Mile High Club." Dan's grossed out, but as she asides -- and Georgina's asides in this scene are golden -- they did it on the ground too. Fastforward to Sergei telling his "loony" -- Georgina says -- wife Oksana that she was knocked up with a baby. Commence murder talk.

"So then you escaped to Brooklyn. But this is all just a cover, because you're really a Russian spy like those women in Westchester," Dan quips in a timely fashion, but Georgina responds with another one of the best lines, or at least deliveries, of the ep: No -- "I mean, not that I wasn't approached, because I was" -- she came back because three Borises are hunting her ass. So she needed to sell Dan out and make everybody believe that he was the dad, because he is nice, so she wouldn't be murdered. A central part of this plan being, I guess, sipping rum drinks on St. Barts. Dan has the self-esteem necessary to find this flattering, since she only did it because he is the nicest guy she boned in that timeframe. (And because this is one of his best scenes ever. He really can fucking slay it when you hit the throttle. I would characterize myself as a Penn Badgely fan. He is cool. Also, way to get the most adorable possible shots of Milo, in every scene.)

"When you signed the birth certificate, Oksana called off her Cossacks. You saved my life, and Milo's." Dan points out that she still lied and abandoned everybody, and Georgina tries to demonstrate growth. "Look. I was free and clear on a beach in St. Barts, like a younger, hotter version of Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. But I missed Milo. I needed to come home. I called my parents, and we spent the last 24 hours in an intensive family therapy session." You can actually see where that story starts to go Sparks-crazy and rot from the head place. And not because nobody is hotter than Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. Except William Hurt in Body Heat. Or Kenny Powers.

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Gossip Girl

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