Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Pieces Of Jennifer's Body

Rufus gets a text from Eric about how Chuck's at PRADA and how "we" -- being the only two members of Team Hymen That Is None Of Our Fucking Business -- made it clear he wasn't welcome there, so he shuts his son down in the middle of a serious crisis so he can run back and bully his wife and her stepson some more.

Next blast: "Lonelyboy's Babymama looking like one hot mama on the beach in St. Barts. If she's flown the coop, who's cleaning up her baby's poop?" Apparently a feature GG has added is saying the word "poop." Which, don't say that word. It really just shouldn't come up at all; you should not even be in the position of having to choose between that word and a synonym for that word. Once that shit starts, the WASPs might as well start hugging each other, and then it's all fuckin' over.

"And what about Serena and Blair? It seems our girls have started their college careers with a social call to Hamilton House. I'm sorry, Serena, but this club is for members only..." The video, the shame, the madness. "But if B is the one holding the key to the kingdom, guess Serena is out in the cold." S takes off, Juliet bites off one of her own fingers and chews determinedly as blood trickles over her stolen blouse, B predictably shits a brick. Sorry, "poops" a brick. Blair poops a brick.

Chuck apologizes to his stepmother for the time he fucked her stepdaughter, pointing out that he was in a downward spiral, too -- it's just that hers was so visible, so "me-me-me," and his was so... Much like most other days when you're Chuck Bass. Lily takes full responsibility for not seeing the distinction, but best of all it got scowling crappy Jenny out of her hair, so she high-fives her favorite child and asks him not to skip out again or rape anybody else. He tells her about Ivva, since it's the only thing she doesn't know about his summer after Serena joined Scotland Yard and busted his case wide open.

Once, twice, three times Chuck tries to make Lily say that the rest of the family will welcome him as carelessly/hilariously as she has, but she puts him off each and every time in a loving -- and yet so Lily, so "plausible deniability," so "please don't make me say anything unpleasant, even if it leads to a suicide attempt" -- way, until finally he's backed her sense of etiquette into such a corner that -- Notable: "I'm not going to lie," she says. People rarely say that on this show, because nobody ever means it, but in this case it's interesting -- the only choices she has are: 1) Haul off and slap him and then take a pill or 2) Invite him to Fashion's Night Out just hoping Rufus won't make a pissy scene in public. Lily, Lily, Lily. Option #1 is so much less drama.

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Gossip Girl

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