Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Pieces Of Jennifer's Body

"And the only thing we know about Georgina's whereabouts is that she's in St. Barts?" exposits the helpful Vanessa Abrams, whose crazy eyes are already whirling with the concept of a readymade family starring Dan Humphrey. "She took everything, Vanessa. She took her passport. She's gone. She left Milo, and I don't... I don't think she's coming back." Vanessa's toddler-dressed knees turn to water and she drops to the floor in a trembling, crazy clothing meltdown. If only Hilary Duff were here and they lived in Utah, she'd have the life she always wanted. So close!

Apparently when you're in a secret social club one of the traditions is drinking martinis and champagne on a busy city street. Wearing stolen designer clothing while the taxis and towncars drive by and some dude pees nearby. Juliet doesn't care, she just wants to know what it was like dating Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco. Blair says it's just like dating anybody else: You lie to them, make fun of the lower classes, have a grand mal meltdown about tuxedos, pander outrageously and transparently, and finally become so pathetic, hungry and power-driven that they're fully afraid to dump you. Then you hobble away in some shoes into some other fairytale.

Blair tells Penelope to go get her another martini, because she's back on top, but then that old albatross Serena van der Woodsen calls her up muttering darkly about how they were supposed to have dinner. The presumption being that Blair wasn't going to totally ditch and flake the second this all went down. Juliet tells her to keep their little meeting on the busy street in broad daylight a secret, so S won't "feel bad," and B lies to her at length in a way that makes no sense. S sits on her bed at PRADA and thinks about friendships. Then boats. Then scarves. Then back to friends, and their lies.

Luckily, GG is on the case and immediately blasts some footage of Blair dissing Serena, which makes no sense, along with a mean message about same, which makes the same no sense. Unless GG is a member of HH, which would be a FFing coincidence. Serena's head suddenly cocks sideways like at the end of Carrie and inside her head it's like this.

Nate and Juliet flirt at some FNO thing and she confirms that he is completely over Serena before he decides to volunteer for FNO, because heterosexuality can be complicated. "I haven't had to try this hard before," Nate says, because he gets as much dick as Serena and actually means it when he says, "It's refreshing!" Juliet doesn't even roll her eyes or Krav Maga his instep when he says this, because she is a grafter.

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Gossip Girl

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