Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Pieces Of Jennifer's Body

Serena stalks B to Hamhocks, just to tell her that being a bitch is normal for Blair but lying is unacceptable. Blair immediately apologizes for flaking last night -- "I was just drunk on gin and attention!" -- but once she mentions Juliet's influence on her behavior, and how it masqueraded as worry for Serena's fragile mind, Serena steps aside and Inspector van der Woodsen takes over behind her eyes.

"Juliet. The one who's dating my ex? And swears she doesn't remember my name? She's concerned with my feelings now? If anything, she's the one behind all this!"

Well, that's just conspiracy talk. Blair scoffs and immediately assumes that S is freaking out because this whole show broke and S didn't win one. "This isn't a conspiracy, Serena. Face it. Hamilton House just didn't want you!" S is still not at all sure about that fact, especially now that it is wicked clear that Juliet actually is after her. Then some girl comes out of Hammy with a key, who can't believe it: "My mom said I'd never get in unless I lost ten pounds. She's a bitch."

If this fat girl with the bitch mom got in, Serena thinks, Then we really are looking at a conspiracy. The chase begins. And with fuck-this pout already on high alert, who should come flouncing out of Hamilton House with Nate on her arm but Juliet, the key to the mystery.

Blair's evil weighs heavy on Ivva's shoulders as she begs off attending Lily's FNO party, wearing a butter-yellow peasant nightie and a Lily-tight chignon. As one does when roaming through the castle feeling piquant and wounded. "Let me guess. [B] took one look at you, radiant in a beautiful gown, and started shredding the dress. And your self-esteem." Ivva points out something to the effect of how Blair is probably right, and he nods smarmily. "That's Blair. She wouldn't waste her breath hurling insults if she didn't think they'd land. She reads people, senses vulnerability. You just need to be stronger than that."

There's some sort of discussion to the effect that in Paris they don't have roofs you can fuck on, which I don't believe for a second could be true, and Chuck says that in fact her utter weirdness about common human behavior is darling, because it proves somehow that he's above the constant UES shit. The last thing he's worried about is seeing her through "everyone else's eyes," because he knows she'll always be dumb and charming no matter what they throw at her. And then, sadly, he says two things about Ivva's character that he wishes hard, wishes in a sad Charlie Trout way, to be true: "It's the reason Lily will love you. Why everyone will!"

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Gossip Girl

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