Gossip Girl
The Wild Brunch

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Take Your Broke Ass Home!

Blair and Chuck go back to fuming about Serena and Dan, how they told them to stay away! And yet they did not. Chuck asks if B's worried about Nate or something, just as a shot in the dark, and then -- I can't tell if he knows what he's doing, but I hope so -- passes Blair his other suite key, telling her to try and lock it down with Nate again. "The key to my suite, Nate's heart, and your future happiness." How horrifying. She takes it, and he smarms, "I'm honored to be playing a small role in your deflowering." Luckily she didn't eat at brunch, or she'd be barfing now; instead she calls him disgusting, he agrees, and asks her to report back with details. Blair heads out Nateward, getting crazy on him immediately, all, "What are you doing right now? How about me?" He hesitates, due to his meeting with Serena, but it's too late: "Better offer, or...?" Of course not, he says, and she drags him off toward the room. Chuck...ugh...watches them leave. They mack in the elevator, and then she pushes him into Chuck's suite, where S of course is mighty confused: "Nate?" Blair can only respond with a bewildered, grossed-out "Serena?" Not so tongue-tied is our Girl, who hits a motherfucking hat trick with this one: "Spotted: N and B, hot and heavy in the halls of the Palace Hotel...only to find S already waiting! Sparks were flying for sure, but will it be a three-way? Or D-Day?" Gossip Girl, marry me.

S, N, and B face off. Nate stutters at length about how he's only meeting Serena upstairs to talk about why he's not allowed to talk to her anymore, which of course sets Serena off, because who does that, and Blair's like, "Fuck all of yous, I'm out," and Serena steps. "No, I'll go," she hisses. "Let you get back to your quickie." Well, Blair is not having that, and gets up in her face about how actually, sex is a big deal to some people. Serena laughs nastily, because clearly: "In Chuck's bed? Classy." Then Blair does this awesome thing where she talks as she's backing toward the door, all sneaky and spicy, "I bet your new friend Dan would love to know how classy you are!" She jumps backwards through the door so fast and evil I thought she was going to, like, bounce around the walls like some wicked parkour speedball, vanishing all awesome. Serena and Nate stare blondly at each other. Serena's so shocked she actually asks if Blair's going to do it. "It's Blair," says Nate succinctly. "Shut Up & Drive" starts playing again as they chase after her, Serena haranguing him all the way about how there's nothing wrong with keeping secrets, if it's just going to hurt someone. They debate this philosophical point at length, as they run and run, back to brunch.

The song fades out for a moment to check in with Dan, who's creeped and getting some air. He stumbles onto Lily and Bart Bass, discussing their affair! Oh snap! You go, dude we just met five seconds ago who doesn't know the difference between black tie and business casual! Snag that babe! Lily's complaining because she doesn't really want to keep their relationship a secret, but she also doesn't want to be one of many: "Tell your harem of shopgirls and models that you're seeing someone!" He whines that those kinds of conversations take time, but she's all, "They've got nothing but time, Bart! They're twenty-five!" As she smiles to herself about this awesome line, she spots Dan. He is rooted to the spot in terror. "Excuse me," says Lily, "I gotta go kill a motherfucker. Air kiss!"

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