Gossip Girl
The Wild Brunch

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Take Your Broke Ass Home!

S arrives at B's house with "two bone-dry caps and Audrey," and Blair is rocking a tiny black négligée, very sexy, under a sheer white dressing gown. She looks like a million bucks but she's spitting nails anyway: "Must've blanked on the part where I invited you over," she hisses, smiling and breezing out onto the ground floor without even looking her way. Serena, as usual, begins obliviously running at the mouth: "Coffee, croissants, Breakfast At Tiffany's. It's our tradition!" Blair sits down in a Berger chair in the foyer and starts flipping through the paper, with a vicious smile on her face and no attempt to meet Serena's eyes. "I have new traditions now." Serena protests that they're not "traditions" if they're new, but Blair's so checked out of the conversation that she's riding a bicycle through 1859. One of those big mothers with the one giant tire. Pennyfarthing, she's riding a pennyfarthing through the foggy moors of Serena's self-hatred. It's so awesome. She's got, like, a baguette and some wildflowers she just plucked from the side of the road, and she's whistling. In an enormous hat. Little bluebirds and big kind ungulates outside are getting her car washed and ready and leaving banana peels in Serena's path, and Serena has no idea: "Look, B, I'm really trying to make an effort here. I thought it was okay between us!" Blair's mouth says, "It was, until I found out you slept with my boyfriend," but her eyebrows are saying, "I just blew your fucking mind! Again!" Serena asks the number one question you do not ask at this moment, which is "How'd you find out?" Um, obviously Nate told her. Serena stammers and Blair beats it back upstairs, tossing one final insult: "I always knew you were a whore. I never thought you were a liar too." Serena begs to make it right, but Blair informs her that there is no way. "Just stay away from me, my boyfriend, and my friends." With a gleaming, vicious grin: "You're done here." And you'd think that something would happen in the rest of the episode to reverse that, but...nope, Blair's got it covered.

Jenny arrives at B's sometime later, and Blair screams at the absent maid, without turning around. "Dorota! I told you I didn't want to see anyone!" When she finally sees who her visitor is, she goes lupine, grinning so hugely you can see every meal she never ate. "Jenny! What do you want?" To bring back the calligraphy pens she borrowed for KOTL, pens which therefore almost inadvertently cost Jenny her virtue, that's what. Blair, Jenny, Gossip Girl, me, you, Sam Endicott, everybody agrees that this is a lame excuse, but not even Gossip Girl is jaded enough to guess what Jenny's really after. Of course, it's right up Blair's perverted alley: "You wanna know what Chuck Bass is saying about you..." Is he saying anything? "Not yet, anyway. He likes to brag about his conquests, not his victims." Ah, well. Maybe next rape. Blair checks her out for awhile, makes a call, and stands up. "Come on. You can help me get ready for brunch." A devious plan is hatched; retiring up the stairs with her new friend, Jenny is heard to compliment Blair on the flowers in the foyer, which so recently replaced the zinnias she's had there for a year. "They're hydrangeas," Blair responds. Heartlessness, and vanity.

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