Gossip Girl
The Wild Brunch

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Take Your Broke Ass Home!

Which, let's take a brief moment to unpack that, because Blair's right about Jenny, but you can't be human and understand why: Jenny wants to cross the fourth wall over to the GG.net side of her computer screen; she wants to become a celebrity. It's not about popularity, it's about whatever's beyond popularity. I think sometime this conceit is going to iron itself out, but even if it doesn't, like: we bought vampires, we bought hot robot chicks, both of those things turned out very well, so now we just need to buy GG.net in order for this to make sense. Or rather, for it to be even sicker and sadder and scarier than it naturally is, because this is not some kind of Stockholm Syndrome issue. It's just Jenny, too young to understand the terms, but willing to make a deal.

Rufus and Lily head into a Brooklyn coffee shop, Lily protesting that she'll be thrown down and tattooed, and he laughs: "This is Brooklyn, not the Warped Tour." He chuckles that she has several tattoos of her own, including a heart-shaped one between her... "Don't be cute," she interrupts. He whines that in fact he's "better-looking every day," which is simply not true. He looked much hotter on Friday, and a bit less through Saturday. At this rate he'll be hideous by Christmas. Rufus presses her once again as to why she's reestablished communications after years of bourgie quietude, and Lily explains that Dan is in her hotel lobby. Rufus orders Lily's coffee for her without blinking, and she's touched that he remembers. She's also a hoss: Americano with an extra shot? That tastes like the Devil's own butthole. Lily's my hero! She jokes around about how she's so intensely into Rufus, what with his low-income tax bracket, bad v-neck t-shirts, and awful jokes. Before she can even get to the gaywad leather choker, she interrupts herself to ask/blurt, "Why would your wife leave?" Bad form, Lily. That's just tacky. She keeps going for his jugular. Maybe she's aiming for the choker. "She has better taste than you," is his counter quarte parry, and it's not bad. He repeats the question, and rather than repeating the obvious answer, his son, again, she just sighs. "An unfortunate twist of fate." He asks if she's seeing anybody, and she won't answer. "No, not serious? Or married." She tells him that's quite enough, and he tries again: "Forbes or Rolling Stone?" Silence. He agrees to leave her alone, and she sums up that Dan is not the right kind of influence for Serena right now, because he is poor and...I guess because he's Rufus's son. Rufus responds with a clear-eyed, compelling honesty, that actually Dan is probably exactly what Serena needs. Aww. Now just set Dan up with some nuts and everybody will be square.

Good old Dan is super-nervous out in the Palace square, and looking fine. He asks Nate what he possibly has to discuss with Serena, beyond makeup tips, but Nate's not talking. Dan jokes that he is sticking with "I was in the neighborhood," but since it's a lie, he's working on something else. Nate finally asks, either with a mixture of interest, bewilderment, jealousy, and condescension, or else he's not a very good actor: "She likes you?" Dan doesn't know, and either Nate is amused, bitter, and somewhat sympathetic, or else not a very good actor: "That's Serena. You'll never know." Chuck comes out wearing sunglasses and nearly gets the vapors that Nate ("Nathaniel") is talking to Dan, and Dan's face goes black like weather when he sees Chuck, of course, so then Nate kind of weakly protests their ensuing slap fight and gets in between them, and Dan's like, "This hotel doesn't have your name on it," and Nate's like, "Kind of it does, though?" Dan protests that he lives in Brooklyn, this week, and not the Ozarks -- "No offense to the Ozarks," he asides, as though what's offensive about that statement doesn't fit handily inside what's offensive about this entire show, snug as a hand in an Herm├Ęs glove -- and that Chuck is perhaps taking his "class warfare" bit a little too far. Chuck tries, once again, to rape Dan Humphrey, and once again Nate gets in the middle of it. Dan offers to give him another black eye to match his little gift from last night, and then there is skulking and wandering and Dan Humphrey being hot and bored outside the Palace Hotel and staring at that one green light blinking on and off.

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Gossip Girl

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