Gossip Girl
The Wild Brunch

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Take Your Broke Ass Home!

B looks amazing in that ugly blue dress, of course, and Jenny drools on herself. Blair talks down the family brand, all, "It's average. The color is last season, and Stella McCartney has a better one at Bergdorf." Jenny dipshits about how she's "been meaning to go by Bergdorf," like you can't tell just by looking at her. Jenny Humphrey is full of lies. She spots Blair's childhood Cabbage Patch doll over in the corner, a sure sign that the people who wrote this are in their early thirties and thus know what a Cabbage Patch doll is, and blabbers, "My brother used to have one of these! His name was Cedric." Blair laughs boredly, stripping down, checking herself out in the mirror: "Your brother's name is Cedric?" No, Jenny explains, it's Dan, as in Serena's date last night. Blair pulls it together and focuses on Jenny: "So, does that mean you're friends with Serena?" Jenny can't see the barely concealed switchblade that Blair produces from thin air at this point, but she knows it's there, and she treads carefully. "I don't...have a problem with her. But if somebody did have a problem with her, I...wouldn't have a problem with that either." Blair considers this, decides it's acceptable and a little adorably doofy and suck-uppy, and grins wickedly. "You know, if you like that dress...you can have it. I'm sure you'll find some way to repay me." Jenny falls all over pissing herself with gratitude: for the dress, the right to kiss Blair's patootie, and "the other thing, about Chuck." ("This sure doesn't taste like an iced tea!" "It's from Long Island.") Blair gets real at this point, for a sec: "If you wanna be part of this world, Jenny, people will talk eventually. And you need to decide if all this is worth it." Obviously it is. In real life nobody talks like this, nobody acts like this, and everything is just a little sadder as a result. Jenny makes a thousand faces and stares all around, and Blair's loving every second of it.

Dan finally gets to talk to Serena: he apologizes about The Wave, and she giggles, and he stammers, and she's fairly shaking when he completes the picture: "Are you hungry?" She is, actually, she's had the worst morning, and Dan asks if she wants to talk about it, either before, after, or concomitant with the aforementioned eating, and then: the inevitable Lily. "Great! Just in time for brunch," she grits, making it clear that Dan and Serena will now be parting ways. "Mrs. van der Woodsen," Dan gamely greets her, and she is fairly awesome in response: "Dan. Still here." Serena blabbers that the whole brunch plan was set only before Dan got hungry, but now that plan has to change, because you can't let a boy starve. Lily's prepared to make an exception: "He's not invited." Serena is steadfast in her disinterest in brunch, leveraging a threat to bring Dan along: "We have plans." Lily, nearly broken, offers a deal, immediately after pulling a big My Roof/My Rules card: "What's it going to take you get you dressed and out that door?" Um, Dan. Obviously. Ya burnt! And also, you don't follow up My Roof/My Rules with an offer to compromise. It defeats the entire purpose, and it's inconsistent to boot. This parenting, Lily. It could drive a child to suicide and/or sluttiness at the Shepherd wedding. I'm just saying: you got played.

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Gossip Girl

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