Gossip Girl
The Wild Brunch

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Take Your Broke Ass Home!

D and S are very nervous at the brunch, but not as nervous as they should be: there's a lady pretending to be a statue, with creepy marble veins drawn all over her, standing against a pillar. In fact there are multiple statue ladies. This is what classy means, Gossip Girl? This shit right here? Because I remember the Benetton window in 1985, and I thought that fuckery was tacky back then, when I was seven, and even more persnickety than I am right now. At a table by the windows, gorgeously lit, are Blair and Nate, Chuck, and Kati/Isabel. Blair's at first horrified, spotting Serena, but then she starts laughing. "You gotta be kidding!" Chuck is also pleased by this turn. Gossip Girl once again rocks, all, "Looks like Blair and Chuck showed up with quite an appetite...FOR DESTRUCTION!" Gossip Girl, I adore you. Dan and Serena and their metric tons of trepidation slump toward the camera and through it, awesomely giving us a blackout to commercial.

Jenny and Rufus give us a quick, pointless scene at their house in Brooklyn, talking about how the dresses she makes are better than Eleanor's, why did B give her the dress, Jenny makes dresses way better than B's mom, and why don't they go to the Farmer's Market. So then they go to the Farmer's Market. What a pointless little moment. Rufus doesn't seem to have an opinion about Blair, the innate corruption of the East Side lifestyle, or the ways in which Jenny is imperiled by these things, just like Serena -- which is still the point of this episode -- but I guess it gets them to the Farmer's Market and away from brunch. Still, a more pointed critique of the brunch crowd, or a more obvious sign of Rufus's oblivion w/r/t his daughter's continuing danger, would have made it work.

Brrrrunch! Gym Class Heroes' "The Queen & I" plays us, finally, into the Wild Brunch proper, where S and D are giggling at the buffet. Nate catches Serena's eye and nods her over. It seems as though she's going to blow him off for a second, but soon enough she leaves Dan to it. He reaches past one of the statue ladies for something, tries to strike up a conversation with her, is rebuffed and cute, and then spots Chuck staring at him. I think the statue ladies are another blown opportunity, given the whole belle dame sans merci thing they're setting up for him, but I guess as silent observers -- as sexy, decadent furniture -- they're not symbolically a total loss. Or I guess it could be a Pygmalion thing, considering where everybody ends up at the end of the episode. I don't know. I think I'm abstracting out about it because it's so creepy to look at. Chuck and Dan pout at each other for awhile, and peel away. Every time this happens, which is ten or twelve, it's funny to growl like a bulldog. It's also funny to see Dan going Hulk-faced every single time Chuck's in the shot -- it's emotionally realistic, but also seems to imply some kind of short-term amnesia or ADD or Memento Disease, on Dan's part: "Croissant quiche tartlet RAPE Serena statue lady RAPE ballgown brown jacket RAPE silver fork blueberry crêpe RAPE." Like every time he sees Chuck it's a surprise.

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