Waiting for the Dean in her office -- the one dedicated to Serena's body parts and their whereabouts -- Lily is looking at Serena like she's trash and talking about how she wants this problem to go away, because as usual Serena's "academic career" is its own punchline. Serena tries to point out that she didn't even do anything wrong for once, and Lily's all, "Dean, I think we're both embarrassed about how stupid you are for calling this meeting."
Lily is fantastic in this scene, the way she builds up to total scariness. So the Dean is like, "I got paparazzi to deal with." And Lily goes, "How about a gajillion dollars' endowment that you can use to build a moat around the school and quit your bitching?" Dean's all, "Get your whore daughter off my campus," and Lily goes, "You are being controlled by the media!" and Dean says, "Not me, the awful Columbia parents" and Lily's all, "Fuck them, I'm Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey!" And the Dean is unmoved. And Lily's eyes go cold and dead like a rattlesnake Georgina.
"I'm sure you've realized that Serena was accepted at other Ivy League institutions?" Serena starts to get embarrassed because she thinks she knows what's about to happen, and the Dean says to go ahead and send her wherever you want, as long as she gets the fuck out of town, and Lily pulls out a jeweled knife and sends it twanging into the middle of her spindly-legged Dean desk.
"I think you misunderstood me. Serena chose Columbia. And despite your judgment, she is the victim here. And I'm sure the Times would love to do an article about a Dean who tolerates professors in power positions exploiting female students." All the while, Reuther's sliding up the wall with her hands at her throat, desperate for oxygen. Legs twitching.
The ladies bounce, and Dean chokes out, "I hope you'll consider my offer..." but her voice is too weak to even hear, now that Serena's clomping away.
Meanwhile, Dan and Nate have more gay sex with each other, in the Brooklyn style. "You know Serena. We're going to have to stand on opposite corners and whistle and slap our thighs and call her name. That's how this is going to end up happening."
Serena and Lily come home laughing about that time Lily carved a second, sunnier smile into the face of the Dean of Columbia, and bonding over how Rhodes Women don't really care what whores their daughters are: Just that nobody knows about it. Serena swears there are no more secrets -- either because she forgot a long time ago about that Ben guy she got imprisoned for statutorily raping her, or because that never even happened, or because it's really a strange admixture of the two that's actually Lily's fault and S doesn't even know about (Answer, I think: C) -- but then the black fog comes rolling in and the black freighter arrives with a hiss and Pirate Jenny shows up with a cutlass and strange jewelry clinking.
Lily's happy to see her most ruinous daughter but Serena is not, because... Give me a minute... Okay, last time Jenny was in town she was trying to empower ladies and Blair sabotaged her lady-empowering clothing line and so Jenny did some shit to Blair and Dan was mean to her about it. Is that it? But S only hates you when you hate her, and she knows Little J hates her, because of that time there... Mm. There was a birthday party, and drugs, and a sewing machine, and a ton of scarves getting packed and unpacked...
It's a blur. But I will side with Serena, because that's what I do. And because Little J is being disingenuous, having joined the Poor Bitches Coven of Brooklyn-Harlem Solidarity & Unfortunate Hair Extensions, and cannot be trusted. S disappears to peel Elliott off the walls, somewhere in PRADA ("All I did was suggest breakfast food for dinner!" Eric cries in a corner. "I thought it would be fun!") while Jenny explains that she's taking a break from her break to flout the banishment -- at MOMA, with Mama Allison, sharing their love of Abstract Impressionism -- to drop by and tell Lily that Juliet Sharp is planning evils: "I know Serena still hates me, so I might have done something like this last year, but not now." She's too late to warn of Juliet's Page Six leakage, of course, but tells them there is more and that there will be blood. And then Rufus is like, "Time for you to leave again!" So she does.
Or does she. Or was even MOMA Day a lie? That would make more sense, because later on she's worried about the banishment again. She calls Juliet to say that she's got Lily and Rufus all set up for Operation Daisy Miller, and Juliet's got word that Dan and Nate are in place, so now they have more awful things to do tonight, because God knows enough is not going on today. Then Jenny steals Serena's phone, which is Verizon and doesn't use SIM cards, and trades her SIM card for some MacGruber shit we'll find out in a bit.
Anne and Blair are happy to see each other because truly cynical mother/daughter-in-law alliances never die, although sometimes the relationships -- sometimes, even the boys -- do. Blair was the first person Anne thought of to "replace" her as the face of G.I.R.L.S. Inc., even though she just invented it.