Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Serena to the Infinite Power

"I feel I need to tell you the board is very focused on the fact that the head of a female empowerment organization needs to be someone who's empowered herself," Anne says. Maybe that's why she's being taken off the block and needs a replacement. "They don't want a groundskeeper-slash-tea cozy still married to an abusive drug addict prisoner, for some damned reason."

"Luckily, powerful woman is the new waffles and I can't stop saying that phrase over and over every time I open my mouth," Blair explains. "They wrote it on the dry-erase in the writer's room and it was just one of those things that every single writer managed to fit into their script, making us look manic and unsubtle. However, this week it does mean that I'm the perfect fit!" As long as it stands for "Governmental Interrogation of Random Lady Subjects, Inc.," that is.

"Power isn't just my mission, it's my mantra." Anne Archibald explains that no, it's less about her personal power, which is terrifying, and more about Blair's whole last season where she Tamed her inner Shrew and ended up marinating in a crockpot made of bed because she was too scared of the poor people at NYU. "Ideally, you would be empowered enough to not let your boyfriend prostitute you to your best friend's rapist uncle."

For e.g.: Serena's old boss and Hilary Duff's manager, KC of the glittering eyes, who is empowered to call bullshit on Chuck's entire empire: Victrola which I thought he sold like three times, Gimlet which I think I forgot existed, and Eponymous as his flagship. KC's problems with all of this are legion, but they start with the Black & White Ball idea -- "So Hilton: Conrad, not Paris" -- and end with Chuck Bass's whole "acting-human" thing he brought back from France like a horrible disease.

"People aren't checking into the Empire for a black-tie experience. They come to live like Chuck Bass." Who has changed, even if he thinks the Empire hasn't. "When you disappeared you seriously damaged your brand, and the hotel has paid the price."

See what's happening here? We're -- and I'll take it slow because it's quite complicated -- flipping back and forth between situation A, where Anne tells Blair that Chuck damages her reputation, and situation B, where KC tells Chuck that Blair (by synecdoche) damages his reputation: "You need to commit to being the hedonist everyone loves to hate," says KC, while Blair assures Anne she's not really dating Chuck. "No one wants a soft-hearted has-been who's worried about dating Blair Waldorf," KC says, and Chuck assures her that he's not all about her anymore. And so on: Their chance to reset the clock to the beginning of last season when everything was great, even Rufus, because Jenny was still a virgin. "If you want this foundation in your future, I'll need some assurance that Charles won't be a part of it." Blair assures Anne Chuck's not even part of her present, and finally the whirligig stops whirligigging.

Just in time to head over to the cave dwelling HQ of Evil Bewigged Bachelorettes, Inc., where maybe we can get some explanations on why Jenny, Juliet and Vanessa are all suddenly acting insane. (Not to spoil the surprise, but the answer is: "Because it's fucking awesome." Full stop, no other reason, don't need one, this show rocks, stop thinking and Do.)

"Nothing drives a wedge between mother and daughter more than Lily trying to cover up for Serena," Jenny says, and the two crazies nod madly like that sentence makes even grammatical sense. Juliet praises Little J for not the last time about her mad Krazy Bitch Skillz, and Jenny "explains" that she is taking time off from being a crazy bitch because Dan is a mental abuser but that -- get this -- "When you told me they went after Vanessa at the ballet, I had to help."

Yeah, all Vanessa did was show up at an event she was not invited to, in order to talk to a woman she doesn't know, about framing someone for something she never did, because she is essentially and irrevocably unlovable. How terrible of Serena, to... Be involved in that in no way whatsoever.

As an unrelated part of that last sentence, Jenny now says two more unconnected things: "Blair's pathological for sure, but half of what she does is to protect Serena. And she never pays consequences or takes responsibility." She in this case still being Serena, no matter how poorly written those three lines of dialogue might be. And not that the part about Blair has anything to do with reasons for taking Serena down, so it's like a little break from a list she's making. And not that she... Ugh.

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Gossip Girl




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