Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Serena to the Infinite Power

Just kidding, she's like, "We all earn our dime. I marry rich old guys and then kill them, while you harass my daughter. I get it, girlfriend! But seriously, stop bothering my kid. She broke up with your cousin, I bought Columbia a fucking moat, it's over." Juliet grins and Operation Daisy Miller shifts into third. "I won't mention Colin's name again, I swear. If only he were the only teacher Serena had an inappropriate relationship with..."

Clouds gather, babies scream, birds dive into the street headfirst in a casual way. "The fuck you say?" asks Lily, and Juliet's like, "Oh, come on. We both know shit got statutory at boarding school before the first season of this show, and we both know my brother is now shanking the Captain and being shanked in turn because of it." Because Lily knows about Ben, and goes right into Rhodes Woman mode ("How much to leave her alone?") without even explaining or feigning ignorance, I think Serena doesn't even know about Ben and the whole jail thing.

I think that all of this, Operation Smile and now Operation Daisy Miller, is actually somehow Lily's fault, like she got Ben thrown in jail to avoid a scandal of some kind. Which is kind of great, because now it means this is all Lily's problem, because finally when Serena says "Why I don't know what you mean," she really doesn't know what's going on. Which is cool because it means they can do way worse stuff to her, in terms of story mechanics, because she's actually in complete distress this time and not assisting in her own slow-motion suicide like usual. But on the downside, it means we won't get another black-tears demon-face "I KILLED SOMEBODY" out of her, which everybody knows is the show's all-time high point.

When they get, mid-shopping, the alert that the Empire's party has changed to Saints & Sinners, Eric immediately points out that Dress v. Dress = Nate v. Dan now also equals Good Serena v. Bad Serena, which not only makes him adorably nervous to even think about but also tells us -- hopefully -- where Operation Daisy Miller is ultimately headed. Every year I get excited about Dark Phoenix Serena, and every fucking year her marblemouth ADD takes over about ten minutes in, but it doesn't stop me from hoping.

The teenage boys decide to attend the grownup sex party, and out of his odd robot brain Elliott pulls Sts. Bacchus and Sergius, which actually cheered me up immensely because nobody ever thinks about those guys. I stress about this so often, you literally would not believe it, but in the list of gay saint couples even though there's this like wealth of choices it's always "David and Jonathan, David and Jonathan!" They are the Prom King and King of gay saints. And if not them it's all, "Polyeuctus and Nearchus! Symeon and John!" Or "Badgley Mischka! Ridgeley and Michael!" Or, well, Philip and Nathanael, but probably Dan and Nate already called that one.

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Gossip Girl

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