Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Serena to the Infinite Power

Juliet appears, as the boys are leaving, to call S a whore in a casual way and then mention that Lily is totally paying her off -- for what or whom she does not say -- and Serena is like, "Wait, Page Six is printing a retraction so for the next five minutes I'm not an embarrassment. The hell do you mean?" Juliet's all "The hell do I mean?" and then vanishes in a puff of smoke that smells like boarding school and candles. Basically like the inside of Anthropologie and those Tory Burch outlets Juliet loves so damn much.

Thanks to the SIM nonsense, Dan and Nate wander around the entire continental United States looking for Serena. Hoping this isn't one of those times. But of course it is: Where is Serena van der Woodsen? Everywhere. Nowhere. Under a bridge, up a tree. Dining with dinosaurs, zooming far above the Ultra East Side of New Yorkicon on a jet pack. Meeting with her professor during office hours. Taking a train, returning on a train. Not with me, not with you. In flux, somehow with both of us and neither of us. Getting into an infinity of taxicabs. You can know her by her velocity or by her vector but never both and never for very long. Open up the box, who's inside? Maybe Serena.

Vanessa's all, "Serena's not here waiting for you. Do you want me to leave so I won't be here when you meet her here? You want maybe I should eat some fucking worms while I'm at it? Go do some crack with a Bowery bum?" Dan hangs up and says a quiet Yes to all of the above. Almost a prayer.

Nate calls Chuck to find out where Serena is, and Chuck's like, "What show are you watching? We don't interact. Ever. And didn't you fagging out in front of PRADA with Dan standing right there kind of freak her out?" Chuck changes the subject to the three little words and Nate's like, "Right, let me guess: You said Dan's name during sex. Dude, that happens to me all the time, don't worry about it." Chuck sighs a private sigh of relief and says no, it was actually the eight letters of fate that he blurted, and Nate laughs, puffing on his giant spliff: "Relax, man. Girls know that when a guy says that during sex, it doesn't mean I love you, it means I love having sex with you!" He hangs up and turns to the homeless dog sitting next to him, begging for a bite of his sandwich. "Relax, Doggy! Everybody knows doggies love chocolate!" Turns his head up, up toward the sky. "Relax, sunshine! Everybody knows you'll be back tomorrow!"

For the meeting of Gabardine Intestinal Rococo Lavender Schadenfreude, Inc., Dorota has ordered Petrossian caviar and blini. Blair turns such a hard fucking left you actually have to rewind, but essentially she screams about the word caviar loudly enough that the conversation warps around them like Inception and suddenly they're talking about Chuck. "Since you badgered it out of me, yes, it's true. Chuck said he loved me while in a compromising position."

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Gossip Girl

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