"A pregnancy ruse. Cliché, but effective. Make sure you arrange the meeting someplace where the authorities can surround him. No open spaces." Nobody meets his eyes, because they know he's going to yell about the lack of authorities, because they know he's right, because he's always right, which is a theme in this episode. He starts yelling at them about not calling the cops, and Serena explains how Lily can't find out about this suddenly, because of the bracelet or watch and all the diamonds on it and how that means she finally believes in New Serena. Chuck's like, "Oh, I am taking over now because you guys are fucking this up," and he and Nate get into a dumb little tête-à-tête about taking care of "it" where "it" equals "Blair" and "taking care" means driving to the country in the middle of the night, and whatever. Lots of exposition to get through in order for this fast-moving train to pull out of the station. Blair tells Serena straight up to let Chuck take over, and Serena's like, "He will call me back because our feelings are so real," and Dan appears out of nowhere, having overheard them talking about the stolen money.

"I just came to coerce you into family brunch," Dan explains, and Chuck slyly asks him if he saw "something" in the living room, but Georgina's I'm sure already done three weird things we'll never know about in the time they've been having this conversation, probably looking for Blair or Jesus or something room by room. "Not that it's any of your business, but Serena's fake boyfriend's investment was also fake. He made off with the money. You can go now," she snaps at the end, truly Mean Girl for a sec, and Dan kind of freaks out because of how Rufus stupidly wrote Gabriel a check for Dan's "college money." What? Yeah, that forty grand that was going to put Dan through four years at Yale is gone. Effin' shame on the F train, that is.

Serena feels all kinds of guilty because when it's Brooklyn the money stops being pretend and starts getting real, but begs him to let her fix it before he goes running to his stupid father. Which frankly, what on Earth can Rufus do, in any circumstance, besides fuck things up way worse? It's not about pride, it's about Rufus panicking like an eye-rolling broncho and giving Gabriel a piece of his mind in some Vanessa way that would somehow end up getting everyone murdered. Blair scoffs for the eighteenth time at the idea that Serena could ever formulate a plan, much less pull it off, and goes, "Unfortunately for him, the only way her plan is going to work is by some act of God!"