Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Perfect From Now On

It's not entirely unlike the whole Sweet Sixteen issue with Jenny, really: Jenny was the one who did the actual bad thing -- admittedly after a bunch of Serena's mistakes, which were all Rhodes Women mistakes just like the one Lily's going to make later -- but carried none of the guilt for it. So you have Lily once again telling Serena that she has no voice, but all the accountability, and once again Serena flees the scene because Lily is implacable. But not as implacable as the specter of Old Serena, or the ultimate unfairness of Georgina flitting crazily around in the light of the Lord, or Blair getting all the boys no matter how ridiculous she acts, or Lily fighting for Rufus and Dan the way she'd never think to fight for her own daughter.

Rufus needily whines that Eric's not excited enough about the hideous fucking ring and the million miles of bullshit that it encompasses, but Eric assures him that the ring is "amazing," which is not untrue, and that Rufus wanting to marry Lily is adorable. "I just want to make sure you're prepared," he says, in a duck and cover tone. Rufus protests that he's been married before, like somehow Eric's accusing him of not being able to operate a marriage license properly, and Eric explains that Lily's been married too: four times. "Ah, those guys weren't right for her," Rufus tish-toshes. That's the "I'll be back" horror-movie move of this show. You never fucking tish-tosh Eric van der Woodsen, because you always end up bleeding, because he's always right. Just do whatever the kid tells you to do, keep your back straight, and remember to smile.

"That's definitely true, but my Mom can be a little crazy, too. And I love her, I just don't want you to forget where she came from." Rufus tish-toshes once again that Lily is nothing like CeCe, which is not only untrue but also sort of sad because before Lily, CeCe was the only person on earth that actually liked Dan besides his boyfriend Nate. Rufus totally gets himself into a defensive "I was there" position, like Lily is a hip Seattle band that sold out: "Trust me, I know the family." He then compounds this with the grossest thing anybody ever said: "I'm totally up for the wild ride that is Lily Rhodes-van der Woodsen-Bass-et cetera." Instead of saying, "Compare my mother to a theme park ride again and I'll send Blair to your house while you're sleeping," Eric just welcomes him to the family, and shakes his hand, because he's got Rufus's number and knows this is the queer shit Rufus was after the whole time.

Pilot Inspektor! I forgot about him, he's gotta show up at some point in the next two weeks, right? (And he's foine, too, I saw a picture. After the greasy hell that was Aaron Rose, I was shocked. Although to be fair I've seen the actor in something else, a trailer for the movie Timer with Emma Caulfield, and he looks amazing in that. So the grossness really was just Aaron Rose's grossness and not the actor's grossness, which is nice to know.) But now I'm sort of invested in seeing him make out with people, which is frustrating because Pilot Inspektor is the Aunt Sistercousin Lindsay of this show, since he's a blood relative to literally everyone in the entire cast except the Chuck/Nate/Blair thing, so how can he... Oh. That's how. Awesome.

If Pilot Inspektor hooks up with Blair -- or let's be honest, any or all three -- he really will be the Aunt Sistercousin Lindsay and we'll have to start drawing charts. Man, Season Two of The O.C. was awesome for TV Night because we actually had a chart we kept on the wall we could point to, to keep guests quiet during the entertainment: "Who's that lady?" Lindsay's mother, you can tell by the red hair, she had an affair with Caleb in the '80s but he's married to that hot lady now. "Who's Lindsay?" That adorable girl that tries so hard all the time. "Isn't that Anna?" Sort of but no, Anna's the one that talks like this. She crammed her stuffed-animal backpack full of manga and Jets To Brazil white labels and beat it back to Philadelphia. "Who's that girl you'd go straight for?" She's not really a factor until Season Four. Here's a chart of all Caleb's wives and daughters. It takes about thirty minutes to read.

Anyhow, to be nice and for no real other reason, Eric asks about the doomed proposal. "Klaus with a K did it with a blimp, C-Claus did it on top of a pyramid, although she didn't say yes to that..." Rufus shits, because he honestly hadn't thought that far ahead.

Blair rushes around trying to get Georgina into the spirit of couture and playacting, which are her two best subjects, while Georgie stares into the mirror and thinks about the Jonas Brothers. "Come on, G! Don't you miss Dior? Prada? Looking fabulous? ...I mean, for you?" Jesus loves G as she is, of course, but B offers the idea that he would love her even more with some styling, putting a cute sterling necklace around her neck. "Think of the fun you used to have! Pretending to be Sarah and Svetlana," she shouts pissily, and then even pissier: "Slipping people roofies!" And then worst of all, like it just happened yesterday, which with Blair I can believe it feels that way: "Outing them to their unsuspecting parents at dinner!" It speaks highly of both Blair and the show that outing Eric is the worst, last thing on the list, but even more so that Dan's hummer doesn't rate.

"Those things don't call to me anymore, Blair. Look, I made a choice. I let go of the Evil so I can find love and happiness with the Good." Even Georgina knows she's a cartoon of evil, I love it. That's so high school! If one time in my whole adult life I can have a frank and honest conversation about my maturing relationship with "The Evil," I will be happy. B nods about the Evil, and G flutters her lashes. "I know it sounds dull, but it's actually quite nurturing," she says, taking the necklace off: "Can't you understand?" And of course, Blair can. She grins, only mostly pretending: "More than you know!" G's reassured, and takes it too far: "I gave up my old ways when I let Jesus take the wheel." Moment over.

Blair drops the act and spits, "That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice." (Which is my whole problem with that song, of course, but also Georgina's whole problem: it's not actually a metaphor, just a gross abdication of personal responsibility, viz. the iceberg digression last week.) "I'm sorry, but I can't help you if it goes against my beliefs." And the cat comes screaming into the swimming pool, Blair grinning fiercely: "But... When you look at it, Jesus drove you here. Right?" Georgie corrects her with a lame played out joke ("Actually, I believe his name was Jesus") and Blair starts screaming. "Not in the cab! In your country-western way of life! You said God would help you find a way to earn my forgiveness," she says, modulating softer again: "And here it is." So just to be clear, the UES is so frakked up that amends for her misdeeds would be: "to entrap Poppy Lifton, get the money back that she stole, and destroy her in the process?" Blair shrugs, because yeah. What's the problem?

"Exactly." She smiles and levels with Georgie: "If you cut 'revenge' out of the Bible, there's not even enough pages to make a pamphlet." So true, and awesome, but not as awesome as Georgie's nodding response: "...And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them." Blair hands her the necklace again and asks how on earth Georgie knew her favorite passage. Who knows if she's kidding? I know the second she heard that, if she didn't know it before, it became her favorite.

The tribe of Judah ended up in exile in Babylon around 600 BCE, and started freaking out when they realized that after a long time worshiping in the Temple of Jerusalem, they didn't know how to serve God outside that. How do you properly worship in a strange country? Is God even still available? The quote is from the Book of Ezekiel, w

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Gossip Girl




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