Serena: "I don't know. Presumably somebody will come along and offer me a job out of the blue, and then I'll just take it for no reason, and it will be decided for me."
Charlie: "But isn't that exactly what you were just..."
Serena: "-- Shhhhh shshshshshh. Look into my boobs. Look deep into my boobs."
Charlie: "Tell me more about your liiiiiife."

Serena: "I'll do better than that. Let's take a time out from your psychotic break so I can get Dan and Nate up here and lecture them about some irrelevant shit that even I barely care about."
Charlie: "Medically, I am able to stop going nuts at any time just by exercising my will. That should tell you something about my diagnosis, probably."

DOWNSTAIRS

Chuck: "Oh hey, Louis. That's amazing that you're still here."
Louis: "Yeah, because I am amazing."
Chuck: "Listen, I've been thinking about all this Blair stuff and how I activate the worst shit inside her and how that's more important than the fact that we love each other and she said some things about you that I found very interesting. Basically, the Blair that I'm in love with is the Blair I can't have, so as a favor to that Blair that I've never met but always been in love with. So you can have her."
Louis: "Awesome!"

Blair: "Guys? Standing right here."

UPSTAIRS

Dan: "Hey, Nate! Funny running into you right outside Queller's office."
Nate: "We gonna do this thing or what?"
Dan: "Would you really call me Serena if I told you to?"
Nate: "I'm used to getting called Blair in bed, so whatever. I'm pretty much just jaded and stoned and Bret Ellisy about stuff like that. Plus I don't know if I mentioned this but my girlfriend just left me."
Dan: "Your girlfriend? What's her name?"
Nate: "...Um. Oh, dammit. It's right on the tip of my..."

Serena: "Hush, you too. I've summoned you here to talk about the beginning of the season, when I deprived you both of a reason for living from across the Atlantic."
Dan & Nate: "We absolutely do not care about that. Not at the time, certainly not now."
Serena: "Look, just hear me out. I'm sorry I hurt you."
Dan & Nate: "You really didn't."
Serena: "Oh, you poor things. I know how hard it is for men to show their emotions."
Dan & Nate: "Um, not these particular men."
Serena: "Well, I'm sorry for hurting you guys so bad that you can barely go on living."
Dan & Nate: "Seriously, it's fine. But thanks for saying so?"
Serena: "You guys are breaking my heart right now."
Charlie: "Dan, I'm sorry I scared your penis backwards."