DUMBO

Rufus: "I have my hipster job to do, so the fact that all my kids are abandoning me is really only a problem for Lily, who I will probably nag to death."
Dan: "Will CeCe be using the Hamptons house this summer? I've been craving some delicious Vitamin Water."
Rufus: "No, she's going to be with Serena, back in Montecito."
Dan: "Okay, I'm taking over the Hamptons house because I am sad about a girl."
Rufus: "Dan, she's your cousin."
Eric: "Rufus, he's talking about Blair. God."
Dan: "Eric, will you come with me to the Hamptons? We can act like Nate and Chuck together, if you know what I mean."
Eric: Produces a tiny sonic boom is how fast he gets started packing.
Rufus: "And you can write more books while you're there."
Dan: "I will never write again. Poor me."

SIMON & SCHUSTER

Karp: "Vanessa, your teen literary expertise is such that I accepted your unsolicited manuscript sight-unseen, and I'm happy to inform you that we have bought it for one trillion dollars."
Vanessa: "That's so cool how that works in real life."
Karp: "We think it's one of the best debut novels since Jonathan Safran Foer's -- fairly famous, bestselling, turned-into-a-high-profile-film -- debut in 2002..."

Shippers: "OH MY GOD. That's SO TYPICAL."
Karp: "Um, what is?"
Shippers: "JOSHUA SAFRAN IS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THIS SHOW."
Karp: "Yep. And Jonathan Safran Foer happens to have a similar name, but I fail to see..."
Shippers: "WE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MOST THINGS."
Karp: "Holy shit, could you like Google one thing for yourselves? Ever?"
Shippers: "NO! OUR INTEREST IN THE SCORES OF PEOPLE THAT MAKE THE SHOW WE LOVE IS RESTRICTED TOWARD PICKING ONE RANDOM PERSON AND BLAMING THEM FOR THE SHOW NOT MATCHING OUR FEVERISH FAN-FICTIONAL VERSION OF THE SHOW!"

Marti Noxon: "Trust."

Stephanie Savage: "Joshua Safran, thank you so much for being the new me."
Shippers: "WE STILL HATE YOU TOO! BUT THANK YOU GUYS FOR MAKING THIS SHOW WE WATCH FOR FREE AND LOVE SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES US ACT LIKE ANIMALS TOWARD YOU!"

I mean, it takes an ass to fill every seat. I doubt very many people's feelings are getting hurt by all this nonsense.