WHERE CHARLIE IS

Is dancing around with a bottle of vodka upended into her face.

Dan: "Hey Peepers, what's with your lurchy dancing? Where did you go after you scared my penis into backwardsing itself?"
Charlie: "[Crazy chatter, including an awesome jibe about how he led her on just like Serena's been doing forever, which strikes a veritable hit.]"
Dan: "I would be more suspicious about this relapse if girls didn't go nuts on me three times every season. Let's go somewhere private, and we can talk and talk and talk."
Charlie: Literally throws a cater-waiter directly into his face and bounces.

QUELLER BREAK

Queller: "Oh, Serena. I am so glad I caught you at random in this hallway. Check out who it is!"
Cecily von Ziegesar: "Like I actually wrote these books."
Serena: "Like I care about anything. I barely went to this school when I went to this school, even after my mom put some random teacher on death row to get me into this school. Move out of my way."

Queller: "Just a sec. I just wanted to say that your life is pathetic and that you will never be anybody."
Serena: "Cool, whatever."
Queller: "Columbia's for losers. Brown would have really broadened your horizons."
Cecily von Ziegesar: "The only way that statement makes any sense whatsoever is if you're both lesbians."

Peanut Gallery Girls: "Shippers ruin everything! Let's reduce complex characters and story down to our own narrative addictions and overinvested teen emotions!"
Serena: "Actually, we were just talking about career and college choices."
Shippers: "That doesn't interest us! We are sugar addicts who will never learn to taste anything else!"
Serena: "What do you even want, dude."
Shipper 1: "I like to pretend that I am Blair!"
Shipper 2: "And that I am a victim of abuse!"
Shipper 1: "And when the show doesn't acknowledge my imaginary version of the story, I stomp my feet. Like this!"
Shipper 2: "And when everybody makes fun of us for acting hysterical about made-up things, I yell like this!"
Serena: "And yet the show keeps going on, regardless."