Shipper 1: "Yeah, because it's shitty!"
Shipper 2: "And because it beats women!"
Shipper 1: "Whoever is the most offended, wins!"
Shipper 2: "Dair Forever!"
Shipper 3, suddenly appearing from 2008: "Chair Forever!"
Shippers: "Don't call us shippers! We are crusaders for women's rights!"
Serena: "Seems to me that ignoring the canonical story in order to generate a parallel narrative in which you ignore a character's choices and self-affirmation so you can be outraged on her behalf is taking the long way from your ass to your elbow."
Shippers: "Blair is a victim!"
Blair: "Isn't that up to me?"
Shippers: "No! You can't be expected to know if you're a victim or not! Trust us, you are!"
Serena: "All three of you are kind of missing the entire point. But have fun, okay?"
Shipper 3: "So you're intentionally foreshadowing a Chair revival in Season Five? They are endgame."
Serena: "No. I mean, what? I didn't say anything about any of that. I don't even know what those words mean. What I meant was, there are a million ways to enjoy a story. Hyperfocusing on one romantic aspect to the point that you're not even watching the show anymore -- picking up subtle 'clues' and then losing your shit when those imaginary 'clues' don't result in the story doing what you want -- is one way. I guess it's just as valid as any other way, no matter how little sense it makes to the rest of us. Or how offensive it is when you pull in this abuse crap to justify it."
Shippers: "But there was abuse!"
Serena: "Name a relationship on this show that doesn't constitute systematic abuse. This is not what stories are for. We judge stories on their merits, not on whether they match up to some personal checklist we've created. That's so second-wave and gross. You asked for a story, you got a story. This is neither a new nor a particularly complex concept."
Shippers: "You are a collaborator!"
Serena: "So it's just a coincidence that, empirically speaking, every single person screeching about this made-up scandal is a Dair shipper?"
Shipper: "The radical and willful misreading of a text used to be a fun fandom exercise! It has become in 2011 a grim duty! Stop silencing us!"
Serena: "Jesus. Nobody's silencing you. Ignoring you is not the same as silencing you. I just think it's pretty tacky to use something sacrosanct like domestic abuse to justify your weird obsessive feelings about a soap opera. It's a nuclear option that zeroes out any dissent -- c.v. Godwin's Law -- which is obnoxious and stupid itself on the level of simple discourse. But the real problem is it that it trivializes the reality of abusive situations, which makes it pretty obvious how sheltered you actually are, because anybody who has survived something like that would never think to employ it in an argument about made-up love affairs on a ridiculous TV program."