Nate: "Wait, so there's no victim in this story?"
Chuck: "Stories about victims aren't worth telling. But either way, that's not what this is."
SHARED BATHROOM, CHEZ WALDORF
Blair, who can't wait for Monaco: "Strolling in the Jardin Exotique, catching the exhibits at Villa Paloma..."
Serena: "While I lay on the beach in Montecito, off the radar, learning to surf, strolling through the farmers' market, while CeCe with a teacup of gin in hand harasses the help... Being alone is just what I need. No boys, no bars, just a bottle of sunblock and a dozen of the best beach reads."
Serena, you see: "Needed to make a choice. And I choose me."
Serena's Choices Right Now: Include possibly her most bizarre outfit of the season.
Blair, regarding the wedding: "We're thinking November."
Serena, hilariously: "Well, that doesn't give me nearly enough time to find a dress to outshine yours. And you know I'll be wearing white, of course..."
Jill Zarin: Is awful.
Blair: "What are you talking about? I already told Louis' seamstresses to make you a Maid of Honor dress from the brightest fuchsia they could find!"
Pregnancy Test: "Somebody is pregnant! I hope it's Eleanor."
Fandom: "There are so many ways to go crazy right now I almost feel like we should just calm down and drink some tea and wait to see what happens in the fall. JUST KIDDING!"
Rufus: "I have my hipster job to do, so the fact that all my kids are abandoning me is really only a problem for Lily, who I will probably nag to death."
Dan: "Will CeCe be using the Hamptons house this summer? I've been craving some delicious Vitamin Water."
Rufus: "No, she's going to be with Serena, back in Montecito."
Dan: "Okay, I'm taking over the Hamptons house because I am sad about a girl."
Rufus: "Dan, she's your cousin."
Eric: "Rufus, he's talking about Blair. God."
Dan: "Eric, will you come with me to the Hamptons? We can act like Nate and Chuck together, if you know what I mean."
Eric: Produces a tiny sonic boom is how fast he gets started packing.
Rufus: "And you can write more books while you're there."
Dan: "I will never write again. Poor me."
SIMON & SCHUSTER
Karp: "Vanessa, your teen literary expertise is such that I accepted your unsolicited manuscript sight-unseen, and I'm happy to inform you that we have bought it for one trillion dollars."
Vanessa: "That's so cool how that works in real life."
Karp: "We think it's one of the best debut novels since Jonathan Safran Foer's -- fairly famous, bestselling, turned-into-a-high-profile-film -- debut in 2002..."