Georgina Sparks (!): "I tricked a Yale grad into marrying me so I wouldn't have to take care of Milo. Now he can grow into the Antichrist while entrenched firmly in the WASP power structure."
Mr. Sparks: "She mistreats me, but since I'm a trust fund kid that gets me off."
Georgina: "I'm so bored I'm starting to act really bizarre like a Real Housewife. Here is some Ramona Singer crazy talk for you."
Mr. Sparks: "Probably I am gay."
Dan: "Oh, Christ. It's Georgina Sparks."
Georgina, verbatim: "I haven't been this bored since I believed in Jesus!"
ibid.: "Listen, the four of you have been running around like lunatics all night. I want in. Whatever ridiculous bullshit you guys are up to, I want to help. And/or sabotage. It's all the same to me."
Dan: "If I was [sic] up to something, and I'm not saying that I am, the last thing I would want is Georgina Sparks getting involved."
Georgina: "Not unless the thing was twisted and nasty, in which case my help could prove invaluable."
Dan: Remains unconvinced, because he is a sucka.
Lily: "Thanks for using an iPad or some crap to make us feel like we're at that party. Alumni dinners for schools neither of us actually attended are so much fun to televisually enjoy, for Rufus and myself."
Eric, verbatim: "I promise, Mom, you're not missing anything, unless you think Amy Chua trying to convince Headmistress Queller to grade her kids more harshly is exciting."
Lily: "I was really hoping to see Anne Archibald get beat up. Ever since she went bitch on me I really just want to go to parties so I can yank her weave."
Rufus: "Eric, make sure everybody knows that Cousin Peepers is off her goof..."
Lily: "Rufus. Heel. If you know anything from being on this show it's that I won't allow you to speak openly about Rhodes mental illness. Just say she's 'suffering from exhaustion' or 'in Miami.'"
Rufus: "Eric, make sure everybody knows that Cousin Peepers is so exhausted that she might hurt Dan, and she needs to take her Miami pills."
WHERE CHARLIE IS
Is dancing around with a bottle of vodka upended into her face.
Dan: "Hey Peepers, what's with your lurchy dancing? Where did you go after you scared my penis into backwardsing itself?"
Charlie: "[Crazy chatter, including an awesome jibe about how he led her on just like Serena's been doing forever, which strikes a veritable hit.]"
Dan: "I would be more suspicious about this relapse if girls didn't go nuts on me three times every season. Let's go somewhere private, and we can talk and talk and talk."
Charlie: Literally throws a cater-waiter directly into his face and bounces.