Queller: "Oh, Serena. I am so glad I caught you at random in this hallway. Check out who it is!"
Cecily von Ziegesar: "Like I actually wrote these books."
Serena: "Like I care about anything. I barely went to this school when I went to this school, even after my mom put some random teacher on death row to get me into this school. Move out of my way."
Queller: "Just a sec. I just wanted to say that your life is pathetic and that you will never be anybody."
Serena: "Cool, whatever."
Queller: "Columbia's for losers. Brown would have really broadened your horizons."
Cecily von Ziegesar: "The only way that statement makes any sense whatsoever is if you're both lesbians."
Peanut Gallery Girls: "Shippers ruin everything! Let's reduce complex characters and story down to our own narrative addictions and overinvested teen emotions!"
Serena: "Actually, we were just talking about career and college choices."
Shippers: "That doesn't interest us! We are sugar addicts who will never learn to taste anything else!"
Serena: "What do you even want, dude."
Shipper 1: "I like to pretend that I am Blair!"
Shipper 2: "And that I am a victim of abuse!"
Shipper 1: "And when the show doesn't acknowledge my imaginary version of the story, I stomp my feet. Like this!"
Shipper 2: "And when everybody makes fun of us for acting hysterical about made-up things, I yell like this!"
Serena: "And yet the show keeps going on, regardless."
Shipper 1: "Yeah, because it's shitty!"
Shipper 2: "And because it beats women!"
Shipper 1: "Whoever is the most offended, wins!"
Shipper 2: "Dair Forever!"
Shipper 3, suddenly appearing from 2008: "Chair Forever!"
Shippers: "Don't call us shippers! We are crusaders for women's rights!"
Serena: "Seems to me that ignoring the canonical story in order to generate a parallel narrative in which you ignore a character's choices and self-affirmation so you can be outraged on her behalf is taking the long way from your ass to your elbow."
Shippers: "Blair is a victim!"
Blair: "Isn't that up to me?"
Shippers: "No! You can't be expected to know if you're a victim or not! Trust us, you are!"
Serena: "All three of you are kind of missing the entire point. But have fun, okay?"
Shipper 3: "So you're intentionally foreshadowing a Chair revival in Season Five? They are endgame."
Serena: "No. I mean, what? I didn't say anything about any of that. I don't even know what those words mean. What I meant was, there are a million ways to enjoy a story. Hyperfocusing on one romantic aspect to the point that you're not even watching the show anymore -- picking up subtle 'clues' and then losing your shit when those imaginary 'clues' don't result in the story doing what you want -- is one way. I guess it's just as valid as any other way, no matter how little sense it makes to the rest of us. Or how offensive it is when you pull in this abuse crap to justify it."