Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Kenley Ruins Everything

Which begs the question of why Chuck is being so amazing tonight, beyond not raping that girl like she wanted, and being so awesome here at 1oak: "So Humbert Humbert's name is Serge Grodanz, his father plays tennis at the Club, I know where his building is, let's go." The show has put about the hugest neon arrow pointing at Chuck's childhood in every single episode this year, so I think it's important that he be here. Maybe it's a loss-of-innocence thing, like, if he hadn't turned into Boy Emma at her age -- and for the same reasons -- he'd be more like Nate and not so dark and twisty all the time. Yeah? Because he's got to be tired being the Devil all the time and playing the Chuck Bass card every second of every day, which is why he's doing fucked up things like opening up to Dan and basically telling Blair that he is completely in love with her a billion times a day. Which means that Chuck is going to go fucking balls-out crazy sometime soon, based on his position in this episode, which is so, so good to hear.

Anyway, Serena's kind of had it, like, "Go get that little girl, I have to go to my Mom's thing, I don't even care if you blackmail Liz or not, but: please save Emma first." B's like, "Fine. We'll save Little Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf. But after that, it's Bulldog, Bulldog, rah, rah, rah!" Um, no it's not, from what I hear, but you're cute. "I'm trusting you," Serena says, and goes. Every time you trust Blair Waldorf to do the right thing, and make sure she knows it, the little-known Trust Muscle in her black cold heart gets a tiny little workout. Just enough that she does whatever you trust her to do, because the alternative is the black abyss of crazy and she knows that. B asks Chuck if he has any bright ideas, and he says he does in fact.

Nate runs into Dan and is, of course, ecstatic to see him, and Dan of course freaks out on him about the GG shot of him chastely kissing Jenny in a crowded room full of adults. Nate tells him to calm down and he does not, and in fact goes to the grossest place imaginable. Of course. Give Dan even a centimeter of power and he will hold it over your head at the slightest provocation: "We took you into our house, Nate!" That might be the worst thing I've ever heard Dan say. That offends me on each and every level, I can't even describe it and I don't want to go off on a thing about it, but that is fucking sickening. Nate tells him to chill out and points out that he's two grades ahead of her in school, not some kind of Serge, and please don't paint him as creepy when what he is, is a delight.

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Gossip Girl

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