Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Kenley Ruins Everything

"...Who traded sex for money," Dan throws down, and Nate's like OMG, and Dan says that's just another reason Nate should not be kissing people in crowded rooms full of the elderly in ball gowns, and Nate's like, "I guess I should have told you about Jenny's guerilla plan? Or, like, that I kissed her this one time, or ... Okay, I'm still not entirely sure what you're so mad about." (Oh, Nate: I think you know. Dan is jealous. Because he is gay. For you.) Nate's like, "Can I help you look for her?" and Dan is like, "No, because you're too busy being homeless! As of right now!" Dan Fucking Humphrey, ladies and gents.

Blair beats on Serge's door, trying to get Emma to open up, and Emma's in there screaming like, "Serge is in the bathroom taking Viagra and shaving his pubes and back, and when he gets out here my virginity is OVER!" Chuck finally realizes that the willpower of Emma can move mountains, but B's less impressed. "I'm not letting Muffy lose hers before me," Emma screams, and utters the secret words that would have made B give in: "She beats me in everything!"

Luckily, Chuck's already fixed everything: "Tell her to check Gossip Girl." B tells her, and Emma mutters and blathers at them to shut up while she's getting out her phone. "What?! It says Muffy's Muff Gets Stuffed, does that mean..." She's so sweet. I'll never forget the first time I heard "muff" either. It was a cold day in 1956, I remember. "...That little Muffy took her first steps as a woman? Afraid so." Emma proves to be slightly even more awesome, with the disgust in her voice: "She lost her virginity and her Gossip Girl cherry? In the same night?" Heh. Chuck keeps mum about how that item ended up there so quickly, causing everyone who has ever met me to immediately email and text me about how Chuck is Gossip Girl, which is not something I can bring myself to believe or care about, and Serge -- gross! -- comes out of the bathroom with a tulip in an unusual place going, "Emma? Come here, my little princess..." YUCK! Blair looks at his gross naked body for a second before turning away ("Now I feel violated") but Chuck takes a long wolfish look before offering some advice: "Lose the tulip."

Serena calls Aaron-Bobby, who apparently has an answering machine in his time machine and has left a long rambling message: "Hey, it's Aaron, leave a message. Oh, if this is Serena, that girl at the hotel today? Not what you think. I mean, not my girlfriend, if that's what you thought, because I don't have a girlfriend, and I'm rambling. So, uh, if this isn't Serena, leave a message. Thank you." Ugh, Aaron Rose makes me so tired. Serena's like, "That was the worst message I have ever heard... Or the best!" He has her in his filthy tractor beam! "Um, I was just calling to thank you for the ring, but somehow I am finding myself wanting to give you another chance..." Some girl picks up the phone randomly and goes, "Aaron's in the bathroom. Do you wanna wait, or...?" What the... fuck goes on with this guy?

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Gossip Girl

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