Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Kenley Ruins Everything

Serena has a meltdown and hangs up, and then stares ruefully out the window of her towncar and does her weird "You Know How I Get In The Summah" voice: "Cecil, ya got me again." This is totally my favorite storyline of this episode, the guerilla warfare he's doing on her brain that is causing her to talk to imaginary insects. I would like to pretend that she does this on a constant basis and we're only just now hearing about it. "Harold, you chucklehead, stop crapping on my lifestyle and breaking up with me. Nikolai, you darling little rapist, my second-favorite brother, I'll see you at lunch! You hot mess, Audrey, ya got me again with those cute little headbands! 23 skidoo!"

Jenny catches the blur of Nate, who explains that Dan is a Hipster Scorned and looking to have a wicked slapfight, and that Rufus is there, and Jenny wigs but then Agnes shows up and says it's time for guerilla fashion, and the Humphrey presence is good because, get this, the fashion show is going to be so very awesome that they will totally change personalities and become supportive and nonjudgmental. Plus, Rufus is going to kill her either way, so she might as well blow her wad. She pulls the Don't You Care About Me card on Nate again, and because his short-term memory is nil, he falls for it again.

The head of the New York Philanthropic Society presents the award to Lily and Bart while everybody runs around looking for Jenny, and talks about how they've built clinics and hospitals in equatorial Guinea and Sri Lanka...and then everything goes Dada! Models come running in wearing her clothes and start dancing on tables, that Thurston Moore cover of "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" starts playing, the lights go nuts, the videoscreens are full of slightly-scary low-budge footage of Agnes looking insane and Jenny dancing around, all creating a vibe that's sort of halfway to actual edgy, which is -- no matter what they tell you -- what they're going for, always, because actually fucked up doesn't succeed. Just fucked up enough to convince people they're being awesome for liking it is where it's at. Lily does an awesome little whiteboy dance, and you know they're golden. Everybody's totally happy and loving it, taking her promotional postcards and putting them in their jackets and purses, and even Vanessa realizes that it's awesome, but Dan and Rufus just stand around looking like the usual amount of asshole.

Nate and Jenny make out for a celebratory bit, and Vanessa spots them and her smile falls and she leaves, but Jenny sees and chases after her, which GG deems a good call: "Looks like it's bros before hos for Little J. Who knew that when her loyalty kicked in, Nate would be kicked out?" Which is a good point, actually, because he was all, "it's not your place" to apologize to V, but that's only true if it's about their relationship, like, if Nate is the main character of what happened, whereas if it's about Jenny's relationship with Vanessa, that has nothing to do with Nate. So once she runs off, he realizes that he's about to get hit in the face by ten tons of Brooklyn solidarity, and that's sad to see but very interesting. The security guys hustle screaming awesome Agnes out of there, and Dan and Rufus are amazed by everything that just happened, and Rufus goes looking for his daughter so that he can ruin everything, since nothing he or his kids have tried so far has managed to do so.

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Gossip Girl




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