Elsewhere in a limo, Blair explains that even if Emma is jealous right now, this wasn't actually how she wanted to lose her virginity. Chuck asks for another suggestion, given that they're probably sitting in the exact spot she lost hers, and while Emma's getting out of the car, Blair thanks him sweetly for getting Gossip Girl to post the bogus report. "For you, anytime," he says wonderfully, and then points: "I think your little virgin's making a break for it..." Blair grabs her, and Emma starts yelling about how Blair, Muffy and her mother are a vast conspiracy calculated to fuck up her life, and Blair's like, "Thought we covered this. Okay: Having sex for the first time shouldn't be part of a competition to beat Muffy the Lacrosstitute. It should be with someone you love." Emma asks if hers was, and she barely pauses before saying that it was, and adds that there are better ways of getting your mother's attention. Like bulimia, for example.
"I told you, this is about Muffy..." but B, of course, spotted Liz from a mile away: "I wrote the book on distracted, self-centered mothers. My mom has never met a single one of my teachers. She regularly forgets my birthday, and she only comments on my appearance when she has something to criticize..." Emma's like, "But you're perfect!" Blair doesn't even pause to smile: "True. And that's why I finally realized it wasn't about me. The same way it's not about you." Emma nods and admits that trips into the city are supposed to be about hanging out and doing mother-daughter things, but it never materializes. Blair -- with intense sympathy and sadness -- suggests that she actually say that, and in future to avoid the Serges of the world. She accompanies her upstairs, and Emma throws her arm around her and admits that Serge was pretty gross.
Dan finally takes the call from Jordan, who says what he thought she would say -- "I know what anemic means" -- and Serena runs into him, asking if he's okay. He's not, and Serena stupidly assumes that he cares about other people: "Don't worry about Jenny. She'll probably get in some trouble for disrupting the event, but honestly, I think everyone in there was kind of relieved..." Dan's like, "My point exactly. Jenny will be fine, because Jenny actually works to succeed, unlike myself," although in a less generous way, and Serena's confused, because how is that bad. "Tonight my sister alienated everyone in her life, but tomorrow she's gonna be in the New York Times. I just can't help but wonder if she's the one with all the guts in the family." Um, YES. Thanks for catching up. Meanwhile you still haven't managed to learn to write a story. Serena asks why he's flipping out, and he says he doesn't want to bother her with it, so of course she tells him she cares about him and asks what's wrong, so he explains that he will not be getting into Yale, or any other school with a decent writing program. Of course, this is because he is untalented and kind of dumb, but you know Serena: that little wheel gets to turning and she's like, "How many bitches am I bringing to Yale now?"