Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Kenley Ruins Everything

Serena and Blair are having tea with an old bitch, and B keeps cracking her knuckles and trying to talk about getting her ass into Yale, but the lady just wants to go on and on about Serena's amazing life and get the skinny on Karl Lagerfeld's birthday party. Dude, you already know what it was like: fucking weird, with a fan like a geisha and high shrieking voices and tiny little European boys getting fucked up on absinthe. Serena's like, "Speaking of fashion, Blair's mom is a designer!" Blair -- wearing the prettiest red dress -- almost opens her mouth, but the lady is all, "That's nice but man, I love hanging out with you so much, Serena van der Woodsen!"

Blair makes a face, and then the woman's cute husband (Malthus? Malkmus?) leaves, so Blair awkwardly gets to her feet like a good little lady, and is totally rebuffed. Blair falls back down while Old Bitch sees to her husband, and Serena's like, "Look, Liz and her husband are prominent Yale donors and good friends with the Dean, and it doesn't matter that they, like everybody else, are all over my jock. Stop cracking your knuckles and speak up." Blair pulls it together, but the lady comes back and is like, "And we're done. He's off to his business dinner, and I have to order room service for my daughter before I leave to meet my friends from Bryn Mawr." Because whenever a lady jumps the fuck out the joint the second her husband leaves, it's usually about getting the bluestocking gang back together.

Serena jumps to the occasion and pouts that the little darling will be there alone all night, and Liz is all, "Listen, as long as she has her Harry Potter book and a bowl of ice cream, she's happy as a clam." Yikes. Either Liz is really not tuned into her kid, or the kid's beyond helping. Serena shoves B forward and offers her for the night, saying she'll take Emma to a movie or something. Blair is terrified, but S keeps talking: "I would take her myself, but I've got something with my family, so..." Liz loves it, even as B is nudging Serena angrily, and summons the girl. "Anything for the friends of Dean Berube!" B says winsomely, but Liz doesn't even hear her. "Yes, mother?" says the little girl, who's like Jenny's age and looks like a skinnier Jennifer Love Hewitt from before she became the Breast Whisperer, or else that other girl from that show whose dad later invented toaster strudel, I always get them mixed up, and Liz is like, "Serena's friend, um..." -- "Blair," Blair almost screams -- "...Yes, would like to take you to a movie." Emma is dressed like an organ grinder's monkey, BTW. She curtsies and Serena's like, "This is gonna be fun!" Blair digs her nails into her palm and Emma giggles cutely.

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Gossip Girl




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